1. Wear bright colors everyday - no more black (unless it's maybe an accent color). Thus when it comes time for you to grieve, the all black ensemble you're sure to be wearing will be much more noticeable, and people won't ask you such bothersome questions as "What's wrong?", "Are you OK?", and the like. **Note: If you are a goth, just reverse this rule - so as you wear black all the time, when you are grieving you should wear bright colors. Beware though, people might just think you had a lobotomy, rather than you are just grieving.**
2. Take time to imagine your family and/or friends dying everyday. Go through different, horrifying scenarios, so when that day comes one of two things will happen: 1. You'll be completely desensitized because you already imagined them being torn apart by sharks or 2. You'll actually be relieved because they didn't die in the horrible manner you imagined.
3. Attend as many funerals as possible. This is your time to practice grieving in front of other people. Get to know your audience. If you're with a group of WASPS, you're expected to emotionally reserved and either drunk, on Valium, or both. In other scenarios, you might be expected to tear your hair out and wail. If you're with goths, you should act jealous - it's not fair they got to die and you're stuck in this endless misery called life. If someone at the funeral questions your relationship to the deceased any of the following will do:
- You met at an S&M conference
- You are the lover/mistress/sex slave of the deceased
- You "talked" on the Internet
- You're his/her mail order bride/groom, and you just got to this country
Feel free to tweak those responses, but as they are, they are guaranteed to get a reaction.
4. Have your family and significant other start sleeping in coffins. This may be quite jarring the first few times you see them, but after awhile you'll become used to it, and may even become fond of it. This way, when you have a viewing before the funeral, you can pretend they're sleeping. **Notes of caution : The first few times you see them in the coffin, you're brain will automatically assume they're dead, but before you make the horrible mistake of burying them alive, try to wake them up first. Conversely, at the funeral, you may be so taken with the idea of them just being asleep, that you ask that they not be buried. In case of such an event prepare ahead by training someone to talk you out of it, or write a note reminding yourself that they have already been embalmed, and there's no way they're just sleeping.**
5. Start a shrine now. Waiting til after they're dead will only cause a headache. There are a couple ways to do this. You could set aside a closet with a table and start buying candles and religious iconography to decorate. Leave a space for a picture frame, and when the person dies you can just insert the photograph. (If you're already stalking this person, you should already have such a shrine erected, so this step can be ignored). The other type of shrine is one in which you keep their bedroom intact from before their death. To start now, (so you don't have to do needless cleaning when they're dead) be a total Nazi when it comes to the placement of things. If they don't put something exactly where it should go, verbally rip their head off. (Sure you're relationship might suffer, but you'll save time after their death). If you have to, take permanent marker and make outlines around everything, so there's no question about their placement.
If you start adopting all of these habits now, when it comes time for you to grieve, you'll have a lot easier time (and maybe a little fun).
1 comment:
OMG, you had me laughing so hard! I read this article over on Indie Ink and just about died myself! Thanks for sharing this!
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