Redneckus Totalis: The Name Game

After a bit of a hiatus, I've decided to bring back a popular blog subject - the study of the North American Redneckus Totalis. Further case studies have been inspired by a recent opportunity to observe some members of this species. The last case study touched upon the topic of the family, but today's focus is on the naming of children.

In a time when celebrities are naming their children such things as Audio Science (Shannyn Sossamon), Pilot Inspector (Jason Lee), and Moxie CrimeFighter (Penn Gilette), it's hardly a wonder that members of this species have taken to doing the same. As of late, I've had the pleasure of meeting a young child named Trucker. Not Tucker, Trucker - as in "one who drives a truck". This child is also cross-eyed and has a mullet. Chances of him surviving in normal society are slim, but among his own people, he may grow up to be a god -- or at least father to 5 children - sometimes they're the same thing.

As many of us have experienced growing up, there is a hierarchy of names. The name you are given is said to affect personality, and can often be the deciding factor in how much your made fun of/beaten the crap out of in school. So while in the 80s names like Jennifer, Stephanie, Matt, and Jeremy prevailed among the rest of the population, the Redneckus Totalis had its own hierarchy of names it adhered to - Bubba, Beau, Jana, or Paris. Which brings us to another point: often, in an attempt to help propel their children to greatness, the Redeckus Totalis will give their children names of things they think are fancy - Chardonnay, Paris, Diamond or, if they can't think of something, even just the name Fancy has been known to be given. Certain names have more power and significance among this species, and below is a list of those names and their ranking in that society.


10. Walker
9. Texas Ranger (if you want a sissy - name him Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman)
8. John Boy
7. Trucker
6. Luke or Beau (Duke - they helped bring incest [referred to by most RTs as "familial love"] to prime time)
5. John Deere
4. Copenhagen (note: not named for the city)
3. Forrest (as in Gump, hero of the species - also acceptable: Bubba or Lt. Dan)
2. George W.

and, as if you couldn't guess this one:

1. Dale Earnhardt (not Jr)

Other names that are equally powerful, but not listed here are as follows: any beer company (American preferred), any CONFEDERATE Civil War general, car, or tractor make/model.

Still, there are others that adhere to the Double Name Rule. This rule was inspired by the idea that if you can't choose between two things you like - chocolate and peanut butter, pot and cartoons, fishing and drinking, hunting and drinking, driving and drinking, then having them both together is twice as good! So, often children of this species have two first names - Mary Beth, Bobbie Jo, Ricky Bobby, Jim Bob etc. **Warning!** Sometimes members of normal society are mistaken for Redneckus Totalis if their family usually refers to them by their first and middle names (ex: Laurie - known as just Laurie to the rest of us, but called Laurie Ann[e?] by her family). Look for other signs that denote membership of the species before committing a heinous faux-pas.

So what is Trucker's fate? Normally I would say he is no more damned than if you named your child Taylor and they ended up in a sweat-shop, however truck driver is a common profession among the Redneckus Totalis, and so it would seem it is destiny. Until he grows up and achieves truck-driving greatness though, he is probably also destined to get the shit kicked out of him because he will attend public school, and is cross-eyed with a mullet - he's, let's face it, an easy target. Unless of course his mother is a member of the species that believes passing on her own ignorance is better than a public education. In such a case, he may just grow up to be president.