See - I'm a magnet for crazy

Consider this an update on the online dating note. I hadn't really been on plentyoffish because it's kinda crap and I really just don't care. But I still read the mail I get sometimes just for a laugh. Well hold on to your socks, ladies and gentlemen, because I think I got the most interesting email I've ever gotten. And by interesting, I mean creepy.

Here's the first email I got from this guy:

You seem to be an interesting woman. I travel to your area in my work and you are close.

Please check my profile. I am married.

If you're interested, let's chat and see how the chemistry flows. If you're not interested, I'd appreciate knowing that as well.


Now the whole married thing crosses him off the list for me. But I thought I'd look at his profile anyways, just to see who the hell this person is. This is what I found:


I'm a 60+ professional.

I am stout, portly, got some love handles. I am nearly bald with salt and pepper fringe.


And that's just the first two lines. Then there's blah, blah, blah. And then this:


I am looking for a lady friend with benefits with no third party male involvement. Your having other men in your life isn't a problem; I just don't want them along when you and I are together. I am seeking an intelligent, mature, down-to-earth woman who likes to laugh, doesn't take herself too seriously, is comfortable in her own skin even if she feels she has a little extra padding. BTW, maturity isn't about age; it's more about life's experiences than years.

I am looking for good times, good food, laughter, warmth, humanness, and hope you're like me--disease and drug free. Naturally, your personal hygiene is important but having said that, nothing is more intoxicating than the smell of you when you're in the midst of ecstasy. It is at that moment that I absolutely relish the heat, warmth, smell and salty taste of your body.

And this:

Also, I'm not looking to alter your circumstances or you mine, so you can be married, single, or living together, widowed or divorced. I enjoy ribald humor and a good joke and I'm confident enough to not take myself too seriously and hope you don't either.

And while an adult dating site such as this may lower the barrier to discussions of intimacy, I don't assume that intimacy is an expectation and neither should you. In fact, I've found that things usually go a lot more comfortable for me if I don't hold any expectations and regard whatever occurs between you and I as a wonderful gift.


Needless to say, I was thoroughly creeped out, and sent him a note back saying I was not interested. I mean - ew! He's older than my dad. I figured that would be the end of it. I should've known better. I got this in reply:


I assume that the reason you are not interested in contact with married men is that you are looking for Mr. Right.

Since I am married, I am Mr. Wrong.

However, have you considered the possibility of using me until Mr. Right appears? One of the things about finding that perfect relationship with Mr. Right is the ever present tension created by the sex thing. You want to be assured that he meets all of you requirements before you share you body with him and he’s wondering what kind of hoops he’s gonna have to jump through to convince you to share your body with him.

If you use me to satisfy your sexual urges, then you aren’t so likely to have all that sexual tension with Mr. Right until you have come to the conclusion that he is, in fact, Mr. Right.

With me, there’s no rush to bed down with Mr. Right until you’re satisfied that he is worthy of your affection. Once that happens, you’ll tell me that you’ve have found your one and only and we’ll part friends.

I become your quintessential “friend with benefits” while you continue you search for Mr. Right without all the hassle of the sex thing. Besides who better to give you advice on how to relate to a new man you meet than a man with my level of expertise and experience?

You could do worse than having a man with my experience, wisdom and knowledge of life as a friend, confidant, and mentor.

Just thought you might want to consider this as an alternative.


Oh. Holy. Jesus. Why?! Why do I get crap like this? *sigh* I really should delete the account, but on the bright side, it gives me stuff to write about.

Adventures in Online Dating

In the past I have been very much against online dating, and after this recount of my experiences of it so far, I'm sure you'll see why. I've always looked at online dating as a last, desperate, act - the equivalent of a personal ad in the paper. That's not why I went on. Mainly, it was a bit of a lark - just to see what happened if I did it. As with all things, as long as I get a good story out of it, it's not a total loss. I hope your at least entertained.

I started out doing eharmony. However, I wasn't about to pay for it, and since you're not able to communicate without signing up, and you can't post your email address, I had to come up with a riddle for people to solve to get my email address. It's simple enough, but I was amazed at how many people tried to contact me through eharmony's website instead of my email. The riddle was this:

My middle name is Marie, and I share my last name with a boxer that bit someone's ear off. I don't have a paid subscription, so if you want to get in touch with me you'll have to take my first name, middle initial, and last name (all together - no space or comma) and email me through google.

Easy enough, right? Especially since they can see my first name and I gave them my middle name. It was kinda my test to see who was smart (or at least read my entire profile). Many, many people were apparently weeded out by this method.

So a friend of mine suggested Plenty of Fish, a free dating site. Well, what can I say? You get what you pay for. I should've known better, but again, I wasn't really looking for anyone to date - n just to see what's out there.

One of the first people to write me was someone whose screen name was subby99. That right there should've set off alarms in my head, but I was oblivious to the fact that subby meant submissive - until I read the heading of the note they sent me. It was this: *whimper* Please *whimper* make me groan. (Note: the heading was the entire thing - there wasn't anything written in the body of the message) Gah! So I click on his name to look at his profile. (Why? Morbid curiosity, I guess) Up pops a picture that looks a lot like Bob Hoskins (you know - the detective from Who Framed Roger Rabbit). In fact, after showing it to several friends, I'm not entirely sure it wasn't a picture of Bob Hoskins. If that in itself weren't creepy enough, under "Likes" he listed whips, corsets, leather, etc.

Most of the other people who messaged me on that lovely site simply put things like. "Hey cutie, want to chat?" Really? Is that the best opening line you have? Nothing intelligent or remotely witty? One that stood out was a guy who really did try though. Now - so you know - this site has e-gifts that you can send to people and one day I got a message with one of those. Inside, the guy actually wrote a paragraph. He wanted us to meet for coffee sometime. Nice, I suppose, except that he lives in Miami! What, are we going to meet in Orlando for coffee? I don't think so! I'm not driving 3 hours for a coffee date after a single message. The e-gift he sent was a picture of a cute puppy. I probably should've liked it, but all I could think was "What a stupid gift! What if this was real? I would hate someone for giving me a puppy to have to look after! (Unless I specifically asked for one of course)". It was silly, but it actually kinda made me angry.

What really killed it for me are the ones that didn't bother with any kind of punctuation or capitalization in their note or on their profile. There are also the douchebags whose profile picture is them with their shirt off, or my favorite - a picture of them with another woman. Yeah, that'll make me want you - show me a picture of you with an ex-girlfriend (or possibly even current girlfriend). What the hell are people thinking?!

One person that pissed me off the most was some ass that thought he was entitled to some kind of a response to me. His initial message to me was this "You are to talented and to pretty to be in this small town. I bet your a blast to hang out with!". Ok, so strike one was not knowing the difference between "too" and "to" (and probably "your" and "you're", but the message was deleted, so I'm not sure) - and you can't just chalk it up to typing error because he did it twice. Then I looked at his profile, and let's just say he fell out of the ugly tree. So trying to be nice and just drop the hint I wasn't interested, I gave some response along the lines of "Oh- I'm not really a blast. I'm pretty boring in my downtime. I'm so busy usually, that there's nothing I like better than doing absolutely nothing in my free time." He wrote some strange response, so I decided to just ignore him. Well a few days pass, and he writes this angry message about how he thinks he deserves more than just one reply and how could I do that, etc. Where the hell did this sense of entitlement come from?! Dude - it's an internet dating site. I fully expect people not to answer. I even had a couple of guys I had nice conversations with that just stopped writing. Did I message them whining and berating them? No - I shrugged it off and moved on. The best part? He messaged me a week or so ago saying "Hey - how's it going?", like nothing ever happened. Yeah...

What's really bizarre is something similar happened to me on Facebook (original post of this is on blogger). A friend of a friend wanted to add me to their friends list a long time ago, and I allowed it. Well then that person started messaging me - but it was never just normal messages - every time it was like they were hitting on me, which was really awkward and off-putting. There was a good long while where I was signing out of Facebook chat if they were online just so I wouldn't have to talk to them. Well I let my guard down, and then they messaged me again. They said something bizarre like "Sorry I couldn't be your other half for your weekend of joy". I was thoroughly confused and they clarified that they meant about Alice in Wonderland. I explained that I would've had to have been working, and the event was cancelled anyways. They then said they hoped they could be my next proposal (again, what?), and asked my opinion on a certain performer. I gave my honest opinion - "Meh. He's ok", and then got yelled at! They said "that's a bad attitude to have when someone is trying to lay down major game". I didn't realized I was actually being propositioned! And who said I have to be nice?! To quote Elizabeth Bennett "I have never desired your good opinion, and you have certainly bestowed it most unwillingly. I am sorry to have occasioned pain to anyone. It has been most unconsciously done, however, and I hope will be of short duration." Actually what I really did was type this:

I'm sorry

I guess I have a bad attitude

I'll save you the trouble of having to talk to me anymore (and I then signed off)

However, I think the last two lines didn't go through because when I signed back in I had a message that said "Maybe we can find something that will amuse us both". So I unfriended them, because I can't deal with this any longer. Please - everyone - don't use Facebook as a dating site! It will only ruin friendships (or at best vague acquaintances)!

Now, I know this has been a very negative post, but I did meet a couple of people I enjoy talking to, so it hasn't been all bad. I have no problem with people meeting online. Amber and Tim did, and so did Caitlin and Sean - one of my best friends for the past 10 years, Chad, and I met online. Lately however, it hasn't really been working out for me, but I'm ok with that. Like I said before, it was a bit of a lark - a social experiment - and as always, I got a good story or two out of it.

First Date Awkwardness Part 2

Ah the date itself...

First he told me about his drumming. He had only been playing the drums for a few months, but he was really good and felt that God gave him that gift for the "benefit of his glory". *Sigh* I was hoping my questions about speaking in tongues would've been a clue that I didn't want to hear that, but I guess not. I don't have a problem with people believing that God has given them gifts (I believe it myself), but usually the people who just casually toss it around like that are the kind that think God is looking out for them when they find a penny on the sidewalk - it just gets a little ridiculous because it seems like there's no limit to what God has supposedly graced them with.

Next we start talking about family and his kid and he says "Yeah I can't wait til he's grown up and out of the house". I look and him and say " Isn't he 4?". He says yes, and then I said that he'd be regretting that when the kid is 12 and doesn't want to have anything to do with him. To make matters worse, he also said he hated being stuck as a volunteer in his son's Sunday school class. I was shocked because it basically sounded like he hated his son. You're kinda stuck with him for another 14 years - and this is really not something you should be telling me right off the bat! Later in the conversation he was telling me about how his sister got pregnant at 16 (Hello! SO not appropriate first date talk), but that he'd waited, but she turned out to be the wrong one. He said the woman didn't want to have anything to do with the kid after she'd had him. I said, "What, you mean like postpartum depression?" and he said he didn't know, but now she wanted back in his life. So I asked, "Is she on medication or did she get help?", and again he said he didn't know. Oh. My. God. This is the mother of your child and postpartum depression is a REAL THING! What do you mean you don't know?! Shouldn't you care?! Shouldn't your mother have clued you into this?! I was stunned by this display of ignorance.

He also used the pronouns "us" and "we", and I got the feeling he meant him and me - not his mother (who he is living with right now- though I can't hold that against him, as I just moved out again). He was talking about how some guy wanted to try and sell "US" Mona-vie. (It wasn't really that, but something comparable). Back up there bucko! Was he going to do it on this date, or are you already mapping out future plans?! Using those pronouns on a first date - not even a formal one, just lunch - what are you thinking?!

The thing that made me chuckle, but still irked me was this question - "What is the biggest city you've ever been to -- outside of Jacksonville?". He actually felt the need to rule Jacksonville out as a possibility - like I was some hick girl that had never been outside of Florida. So as nonchalantly as possible I said "Well, that would be between London (pause for effect), Paris (pause), or New York. " With each pause his eyes got wider, and was completely gobsmacked. I just shrugged it off and said "I like to travel. I think it's London by the way - last time I was there, I think there were 8 million people living there." I didn't even mention Montreal or Toronto (except maybe later in the conversation).

Eventually I had to go back to work, and a little while later he texted me and said "It was a pleasure having lunch with you - I hope to do it again soon." I was still vexed from lunch so I just replied "Yeah it was ok". He said "I just made an OK impression on you?". I replied that truthfully, yes, it was just ok - there was no click, no spark. He tried to make the excuse that he had been a different person before having a kid, but I wasn't really buying it. It was a nice enough lunch, but the conversation didn't come easy, and as you can see above, it was a bit of a train wreck. I felt bad, and then became depressed because he was really cute, and it hadn't worked out, but it made a great story, and I've gotten a god few laughs out of it since then.

He came in to the library not too long ago, dragging some unattractive girl around in a pathetic "See - I can get someone else" attempt to make me jealous. Oh - and random side story - the trucker guy I mentioned in the beginning of part 1 of this? I saw him at Marion St one night, but didn't say anything. He came in the library the next day though, and I asked him if he liked the show. He stared at me and gave the look of death for a minute before he replied "It was ok". Jeez! I cancelled a date on you almost 2 years ago and you're still going to act like a douche! I was doing it so you wouldn't have to pay for dinner when I was broke - esp. since I was pretty sure there would be no second date! Talk about holding a grudge!

First Date Awkwardness Part 1

So you all may remember the last time I was faced with going on a first date with someone, I panicked and bailed because I thought he was a stupid redneck truck driver (which I still stand by, even to this day). Well I had another chance (not with the same person), but I overcame panic and actually went on the date.

This guy - we'll call him Armani - and I had actually been flirting off and on whenever he came into the library. I was going to give him my phone # ages ago, but chickened out, and then he stopped coming in. Well about a month or two ago, he came back and the flirting resumed. However since it's me, disaster struck. Your favorite crazy and mine, Coltrane started up his regular behavior. **side story** Coltrane came up to the front desk one day and asked if I was a vampire. I said no, and he insisted I was because I was wearing black and red. When I denied it again, he said that I was a werewolf, and that he could tell because of the structure of my face. He then told me he was a hybrid - half vampire/half werewolf -- obviously he had just watched Underworld**

So anyway - I was in the stacks looking for a book (and ok, I knew Armani was sitting at a desk back there, and I wanted to sneak a look at him {I realize it's kinda creepy as I type it out, but whatever - I know plenty of you would do the same thing}. Well Coltrane walks past, sees me, and backs up and comes down the aisle to talk to me. He just starts handing me random books that I don't need, and when I try to reach for one that I do, he would try to bite my fingers. He then started to talk to me about seeing me at karaoke, and did I go a lot, and I decided it was time to walk away. As I'm walking away he shouts "Will you marry me?". I said no, of course, and he asked "Why not?". I'm practically running away now, and run right past Armani. About 1/2 hour to an hour later, I decided I really did need music trivia, and I thought I would try to find some in Guinness World Records or the World Atlas. As I'm heading to the section, I look over and see Coltrane talking to Armani. Crap! Now I have to go try and rescue him from the crazy!

So I go over and ask Coltrane if he's bothering Armani, and Armani says "No, it's cool". And while I'm trying to persuade him that it's ok to say, "Yes, he's bothering me", Coltrane keeps grabbing at my necklace like a 6 month old. Disaster. Eventually I gave up and walked away, praying I wouldn't have to try to intervene again later. The next day he came in, and I went over to apologize for the mess the day before. He said it was ok, and he felt sorry for him - and oh - I could come and talk to him anytime. Score!

Well I didn't see him for about 2 weeks after that. Then the day that he came in some kid had me cornered at the reference desk, and then followed me over to my office and kept talking my ear off and I thought I lost my chance. I was sitting in my office working on the computer when I heard Armani again - being cornered and talked to death by our resident deaf guy. Ok - so he's not completely deaf - he has hearing aids, but he still signs the majority of what he's saying as he's saying it. That's not what makes him annoying. What makes him annoying is that he preys upon people (specifically, kids - see, creepy!), catching them in awkward conversations in an attempt to get them to come to his sign language class, and the conversation is always the same.

Deaf Guy: Hi, my name is Chris*

Unsuspecting Victim: (looking nervously around) Um, hi...

DG: I am the oldest of 7 brothers. How many brothers and sisters do you have?

UV: Um, 2.

DG: I teach sign language. I taught myself Icelandic, Japanese, Hawaiian, etc. (with childish signs for each of them - i.e. using his fingers to make his eyes slant upwards for Japanese)

UV:( slowly backing away)
*name changed to protect the not-so-innocent

If you want proof, ask Mary - she got cornered by him when she came to help with my Twilight party.

Back to the story - Armani's wrapping up with DG when I hear him say "Yeah you should come. It'll be cool - there will be a healing and probably some speaking in tongues and stuff." NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Now, I'm a Christan, but I just don't dig that stuf - esp. when you're basically implying it be done on command) I was reeling from hearing that when he came to the door and handed me one the fliers he had obviously just given DG. It was for some revival weekend that he told me he was drumming at (which I couldn't go to because of Guys and Dolls - darn!), and then he gave me his number on the back. I could only text him though. I gave him my phone # too because I decided to give him a chance instead of like the last time.

Later however, the speaking in tongues thing bothered me, and I decided to ask him about it. He replied "Well I haven't done it personally, but I am a Christian for sure - and a single dad." Before you freak, I knew he was a dad, but it seemed strange from him to connect the two into a single thought. Still feeling optimistic I agreed to meet him for a lunch date - which I'll tell you about with the next post because this one is getting too long.

Elation!

I just found out that two of my photographs have been shortlisted to appear in a publication (possibly online only) of a travel guide - schmap.com! (They do over 200 cities worldwide – maps, descriptions, pics, etc.) I just happened to check this yahoo account that I opened to do this 23 Things project through work, and saw the emails. There is no money, but it’s nice to have the recognition of “Hey, you don’t totally suck”. The best part is I didn’t really have to do anything. I just put the pics up on Flickr, and they found me. So I checked my Flickr account and there was another message from someone wanting to add another one of my pics to a group of Art Nouveau works. Sweet! I am in a very good mood now.

Other happenings in my life right now:

The Importance of Being Earnest
This is pretty much taking up my life right now, as most plays usually do. I am playing Lady Bracknell, but because I am splitting the part, the number of performances I’m doing is right now unknown. At the very least I’ll be in 6 runs of the show. I LOVE this show. Oscar Wilde, you are one witty dead man. If you haven’t ever seen the play before, come see this one – or rent the movie (Rupert Everett is fabulous in it!) – but preferably come see me. The cost is $11 and opening weekend is Apr 24th, 8pm Fri and Sat, 2pm Sun.

My new(ish) job
I love my job now. I mean, I liked working at the library, but it was wearing thin on my nerves, and I counted down the minutes before I could leave. Now, I could stay forever – though I sometimes run out of things to do – then I’m ready to go. By the way – my new job is Children’s Program Specialist. I’m starting a teen program after school, and I’ll be doing a lot of the programs I did last summer, like the “Budding Artists” program that was basically and hour-long craft time. I get to be CREATIVE! It’s such a bizarre thing; I almost don’t know what to do with myself.

Personal Life
My personal life is still flat-lining, but that’s ok. I am way too independent and busy (and picky, snobby, demanding, etc.) Every once in awhile a little voice creeps up and says “Yeah, but wouldn’t it be fun to date someone?”, but it hasn’t bothered me too much yet.

Travel
My sister and I have been lamenting about how much we want to go to London. My heart breaks at the thought of it. We’ve been toying with the idea again of trading one of my grandma’s timeshares for a week there, but I don’t know how Kellie would save up the money for food or shopping, much less a plane ticket, so the likelihood of this trip taking place may still be just a dream.

Transvestites and Sugar Mummies

I’ve been thinking about a lot of random things lately. For instance, what’s the difference between a transvestite and a cross-dresser? Is a cross-dresser just someone who does it occasionally, while whereas a transvestite is a lifestyle?

Then there’s the double standard between genders as far as sexuality. I’m not going to reiterate the whole “If a woman sleeps around, she’s a slut – if a guy sleeps around, he’s a stud” thing. We’ve heard it too many times, and while I think that attitudes are changing somewhat, that standard still applies. Rather, what I’ve been thinking about was prompted by a conversation I had on New Year’s Eve. Liz and Megan told me that to get your lower age limit of the dating pool you take your age, half it, and add 7 – which puts my age limit at about 20. Well - that’s the limit if you don’t want to be taken as a creepy old man/woman. But then I started thinking – women don’t really have that kind of stigma. Older women dating younger guys are now called “cougars”, and it’s kind of a cool thing, whereas most men are looked upon as scum if they’re dating someone too much younger than themselves.


That’s not the way I personally feel – I think it’s pretty creepy no matter what your gender, particularly after watching a BBC documentary titled “Sugar Mummies”, which was all about women who were dating guys about 20 years their junior or younger. The ones where both were a bit older weren’t as bad as the woman in her 30s engaged to a 17 yr old. That’s just wrong on so many levels. She tried to tell the interviewer that she was often mistaken for someone in her 20s, but it was pretty obvious that there was no way that was true. I don’t know what the laws are in England, but I’m pretty sure that relationship is borderline (if not actually) illegal here in the States. Dating someone that age when I was that same age was bad enough, I can’t imagine being my age now, or ever older trying to date a 17 yr old.


Just think about all those news stories about teachers sleeping with their students. Most of them are women, and get off with what I equate to a slap on the wrist. Though I have yet to compare, I’m sure that men found in similar situations would have the book thrown at them.


This wasn’t just prompted by documentaries and conversations. I’ve had a couple of friends in recent years marry people who are about 20 years older than them, and it’s been quite disturbing to me. It would be one thing if these guys looked like Johnny Depp, but trust me – they’re nowhere close. Now I know that’s awfully superficial of me – crucify me if you like – but the gap in age is also bothersome. Do they have daddy issues or is it just self-esteem? I just assumed that they didn’t think they could get anyone better, so they just settled – which is the most depressing thing I can think of. Am I just that cynical? Can I not just accept that maybe they actually found someone they love and want to be with? Maybe I just see a lot of similarity between me and these women – though I have to admit, I’m extremely picky, and not likely to settle for just any old person.

Are you going to Hoggetowne Faire?

There's so little to write, so much time with which to write it! Wait - scratch that, reverse it.

I have so much to talk about since I have been the ultimate slacker. I was pretty much the Ally Sheedy of bloggers (get it? Since I pretty much fell off the face of the earth for the last 6 months). But I am back, and ready to fill you all in on the goings-on of my life since I've been away. And don't worry, there is much to tell- more crazy stories about my mom, weddings, deaths, births - *sigh* I almost don't know where to start.

How about what has been taking up most of my free time? The Hoggetowne medieval faire. Last year I did a show, A Midsummer Night's Dream, with several people who were apart of a group in Gainesville called the Thieves' Guilde. (And no, they don't go around stealing stuff - that wold be illegal, but pretty cool). The group does the human chessboard (think wizards' chess) at the faire every year. They're not SCA - it's mainly just getting to do some cool fights in costumes that look vaguely medieval. Mike, who played Oberon, called me asking if I would be his stage manager, which I had to refuse because it was too much to try drive to Gville every weekend. Well he called me again later and asked if I would be costume coordinator, which didn't have much of a time commitment, and so I said yes, much to my chagrin now.

I don't know why I said yes - I don't know how to sew, but he said that wouldn't be a problem - it was mainly just making sure people stuck to the color schemes we set for each side. Easy, right? I have never felt so stupid in my life - seriously. People asked me a million questions about sewing, none of which I could really answer. But I'm glad I agreed, because I also ended up auditioning and getting a lead role. I am playing Morgause - head bitch on the black side. This year is Mordred and Morgause v. Arthur and Guinevere - and it looks like the show will be good. If you don't know the story - basically, I am Arthur's sister, and our child (yes, OUR child) is Mordred, who is hell-bent on killing Arthur and overtaking the crown. I am basically Becky Sharp from Vanity Fair, with a bit of Medea (old Greek legend - not the black woman) thrown in for good measure. It's all about climbing the social ladder for me. Sounds like fun, right?

I've got a kickass dress being made, and just dyed my hair black for the role. Also? I've been making the banners, Guinevere's crown (I'll try to post pics), and the black side crowns that will be made of wire and sausage casing (which dries to look like skin - it's wicked). So if anyone is in the area - you should come see me. It's the last two weekends in January at the Alachua County Fairgrouds. I think it's a $10 admission fee. *correction - it's $12 to get in*