See - I'm a magnet for crazy

Consider this an update on the online dating note. I hadn't really been on plentyoffish because it's kinda crap and I really just don't care. But I still read the mail I get sometimes just for a laugh. Well hold on to your socks, ladies and gentlemen, because I think I got the most interesting email I've ever gotten. And by interesting, I mean creepy.

Here's the first email I got from this guy:

You seem to be an interesting woman. I travel to your area in my work and you are close.

Please check my profile. I am married.

If you're interested, let's chat and see how the chemistry flows. If you're not interested, I'd appreciate knowing that as well.


Now the whole married thing crosses him off the list for me. But I thought I'd look at his profile anyways, just to see who the hell this person is. This is what I found:


I'm a 60+ professional.

I am stout, portly, got some love handles. I am nearly bald with salt and pepper fringe.


And that's just the first two lines. Then there's blah, blah, blah. And then this:


I am looking for a lady friend with benefits with no third party male involvement. Your having other men in your life isn't a problem; I just don't want them along when you and I are together. I am seeking an intelligent, mature, down-to-earth woman who likes to laugh, doesn't take herself too seriously, is comfortable in her own skin even if she feels she has a little extra padding. BTW, maturity isn't about age; it's more about life's experiences than years.

I am looking for good times, good food, laughter, warmth, humanness, and hope you're like me--disease and drug free. Naturally, your personal hygiene is important but having said that, nothing is more intoxicating than the smell of you when you're in the midst of ecstasy. It is at that moment that I absolutely relish the heat, warmth, smell and salty taste of your body.

And this:

Also, I'm not looking to alter your circumstances or you mine, so you can be married, single, or living together, widowed or divorced. I enjoy ribald humor and a good joke and I'm confident enough to not take myself too seriously and hope you don't either.

And while an adult dating site such as this may lower the barrier to discussions of intimacy, I don't assume that intimacy is an expectation and neither should you. In fact, I've found that things usually go a lot more comfortable for me if I don't hold any expectations and regard whatever occurs between you and I as a wonderful gift.


Needless to say, I was thoroughly creeped out, and sent him a note back saying I was not interested. I mean - ew! He's older than my dad. I figured that would be the end of it. I should've known better. I got this in reply:


I assume that the reason you are not interested in contact with married men is that you are looking for Mr. Right.

Since I am married, I am Mr. Wrong.

However, have you considered the possibility of using me until Mr. Right appears? One of the things about finding that perfect relationship with Mr. Right is the ever present tension created by the sex thing. You want to be assured that he meets all of you requirements before you share you body with him and he’s wondering what kind of hoops he’s gonna have to jump through to convince you to share your body with him.

If you use me to satisfy your sexual urges, then you aren’t so likely to have all that sexual tension with Mr. Right until you have come to the conclusion that he is, in fact, Mr. Right.

With me, there’s no rush to bed down with Mr. Right until you’re satisfied that he is worthy of your affection. Once that happens, you’ll tell me that you’ve have found your one and only and we’ll part friends.

I become your quintessential “friend with benefits” while you continue you search for Mr. Right without all the hassle of the sex thing. Besides who better to give you advice on how to relate to a new man you meet than a man with my level of expertise and experience?

You could do worse than having a man with my experience, wisdom and knowledge of life as a friend, confidant, and mentor.

Just thought you might want to consider this as an alternative.


Oh. Holy. Jesus. Why?! Why do I get crap like this? *sigh* I really should delete the account, but on the bright side, it gives me stuff to write about.

Levity

Alright, I feel I should post something a little lighter, and since I was a lazy slacker and didn't post this when it happened, I should do it now.

Does everyone remember the woman who brought in the books filled with roaches? Really, how could you forget? Well a few weeks ago she came in with an Outkast shirt on that said "So Fresh and So Clean". Excuse me, waiter? There's some irony in my soup.

That same day I signed Howard Johnson up for a library card. I thought about making some smartass remark, but I figure the poor guy gets it all the time, so for once I kept my mouth shut.

Gag Me With A Spoon

I had the most disgusting thing happen at work yesterday.

I had just gotten done helping another patron, when Diane asked me to check in some books that a woman had just set up on the counter. They were on the other end of the desk, so I slid then toward me, and when I went to pick the first one up about 5 roaches (the small infestation ones) and various other bugs all swarmed out. I freaked, and moved the keyboard out of the way, and then Diane and I spent the next five minutes stomping and trying to squish the little suckers. The woman? Completely unfazed - apparently she was returning the books for someone else and hadn't noticed the "little pets" (her term, not mine). When she came back up to check out more, she said she'd try to keep an eye out for them next time.

Oh and the best part? This woman is very large, and was wearing just a sports bra with a denim button-down shirt open over it. I know this is an unspoken rule, but let me say it, just in case there are people out there who think otherwise: If your stomach sticks out farther than your chest, you shouldn't be wearing any midriff-baring tops.