Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Monday, November 19, 2007
Redneckus Totalis: The Name Game
After a bit of a hiatus, I've decided to bring back a popular blog subject - the study of the North American Redneckus Totalis. Further case studies have been inspired by a recent opportunity to observe some members of this species. The last case study touched upon the topic of the family, but today's focus is on the naming of children.
In a time when celebrities are naming their children such things as Audio Science (Shannyn Sossamon), Pilot Inspector (Jason Lee), and Moxie CrimeFighter (Penn Gilette), it's hardly a wonder that members of this species have taken to doing the same. As of late, I've had the pleasure of meeting a young child named Trucker. Not Tucker, Trucker - as in "one who drives a truck". This child is also cross-eyed and has a mullet. Chances of him surviving in normal society are slim, but among his own people, he may grow up to be a god -- or at least father to 5 children - sometimes they're the same thing.
As many of us have experienced growing up, there is a hierarchy of names. The name you are given is said to affect personality, and can often be the deciding factor in how much your made fun of/beaten the crap out of in school. So while in the 80s names like Jennifer, Stephanie, Matt, and Jeremy prevailed among the rest of the population, the Redneckus Totalis had its own hierarchy of names it adhered to - Bubba, Beau, Jana, or Paris. Which brings us to another point: often, in an attempt to help propel their children to greatness, the Redeckus Totalis will give their children names of things they think are fancy - Chardonnay, Paris, Diamond or, if they can't think of something, even just the name Fancy has been known to be given. Certain names have more power and significance among this species, and below is a list of those names and their ranking in that society.
10. Walker
9. Texas Ranger (if you want a sissy - name him Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman)
8. John Boy
7. Trucker
6. Luke or Beau (Duke - they helped bring incest [referred to by most RTs as "familial love"] to prime time)
5. John Deere
4. Copenhagen (note: not named for the city)
3. Forrest (as in Gump, hero of the species - also acceptable: Bubba or Lt. Dan)
2. George W.
and, as if you couldn't guess this one:
1. Dale Earnhardt (not Jr)
Other names that are equally powerful, but not listed here are as follows: any beer company (American preferred), any CONFEDERATE Civil War general, car, or tractor make/model.
Still, there are others that adhere to the Double Name Rule. This rule was inspired by the idea that if you can't choose between two things you like - chocolate and peanut butter, pot and cartoons, fishing and drinking, hunting and drinking, driving and drinking, then having them both together is twice as good! So, often children of this species have two first names - Mary Beth, Bobbie Jo, Ricky Bobby, Jim Bob etc. **Warning!** Sometimes members of normal society are mistaken for Redneckus Totalis if their family usually refers to them by their first and middle names (ex: Laurie - known as just Laurie to the rest of us, but called Laurie Ann[e?] by her family). Look for other signs that denote membership of the species before committing a heinous faux-pas.
So what is Trucker's fate? Normally I would say he is no more damned than if you named your child Taylor and they ended up in a sweat-shop, however truck driver is a common profession among the Redneckus Totalis, and so it would seem it is destiny. Until he grows up and achieves truck-driving greatness though, he is probably also destined to get the shit kicked out of him because he will attend public school, and is cross-eyed with a mullet - he's, let's face it, an easy target. Unless of course his mother is a member of the species that believes passing on her own ignorance is better than a public education. In such a case, he may just grow up to be president.
In a time when celebrities are naming their children such things as Audio Science (Shannyn Sossamon), Pilot Inspector (Jason Lee), and Moxie CrimeFighter (Penn Gilette), it's hardly a wonder that members of this species have taken to doing the same. As of late, I've had the pleasure of meeting a young child named Trucker. Not Tucker, Trucker - as in "one who drives a truck". This child is also cross-eyed and has a mullet. Chances of him surviving in normal society are slim, but among his own people, he may grow up to be a god -- or at least father to 5 children - sometimes they're the same thing.
As many of us have experienced growing up, there is a hierarchy of names. The name you are given is said to affect personality, and can often be the deciding factor in how much your made fun of/beaten the crap out of in school. So while in the 80s names like Jennifer, Stephanie, Matt, and Jeremy prevailed among the rest of the population, the Redneckus Totalis had its own hierarchy of names it adhered to - Bubba, Beau, Jana, or Paris. Which brings us to another point: often, in an attempt to help propel their children to greatness, the Redeckus Totalis will give their children names of things they think are fancy - Chardonnay, Paris, Diamond or, if they can't think of something, even just the name Fancy has been known to be given. Certain names have more power and significance among this species, and below is a list of those names and their ranking in that society.
10. Walker
9. Texas Ranger (if you want a sissy - name him Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman)
8. John Boy
7. Trucker
6. Luke or Beau (Duke - they helped bring incest [referred to by most RTs as "familial love"] to prime time)
5. John Deere
4. Copenhagen (note: not named for the city)
3. Forrest (as in Gump, hero of the species - also acceptable: Bubba or Lt. Dan)
2. George W.
and, as if you couldn't guess this one:
1. Dale Earnhardt (not Jr)
Other names that are equally powerful, but not listed here are as follows: any beer company (American preferred), any CONFEDERATE Civil War general, car, or tractor make/model.
Still, there are others that adhere to the Double Name Rule. This rule was inspired by the idea that if you can't choose between two things you like - chocolate and peanut butter, pot and cartoons, fishing and drinking, hunting and drinking, driving and drinking, then having them both together is twice as good! So, often children of this species have two first names - Mary Beth, Bobbie Jo, Ricky Bobby, Jim Bob etc. **Warning!** Sometimes members of normal society are mistaken for Redneckus Totalis if their family usually refers to them by their first and middle names (ex: Laurie - known as just Laurie to the rest of us, but called Laurie Ann[e?] by her family). Look for other signs that denote membership of the species before committing a heinous faux-pas.
So what is Trucker's fate? Normally I would say he is no more damned than if you named your child Taylor and they ended up in a sweat-shop, however truck driver is a common profession among the Redneckus Totalis, and so it would seem it is destiny. Until he grows up and achieves truck-driving greatness though, he is probably also destined to get the shit kicked out of him because he will attend public school, and is cross-eyed with a mullet - he's, let's face it, an easy target. Unless of course his mother is a member of the species that believes passing on her own ignorance is better than a public education. In such a case, he may just grow up to be president.
Friday, October 5, 2007
Levity
Alright, I feel I should post something a little lighter, and since I was a lazy slacker and didn't post this when it happened, I should do it now.
Does everyone remember the woman who brought in the books filled with roaches? Really, how could you forget? Well a few weeks ago she came in with an Outkast shirt on that said "So Fresh and So Clean". Excuse me, waiter? There's some irony in my soup.
That same day I signed Howard Johnson up for a library card. I thought about making some smartass remark, but I figure the poor guy gets it all the time, so for once I kept my mouth shut.
Does everyone remember the woman who brought in the books filled with roaches? Really, how could you forget? Well a few weeks ago she came in with an Outkast shirt on that said "So Fresh and So Clean". Excuse me, waiter? There's some irony in my soup.
That same day I signed Howard Johnson up for a library card. I thought about making some smartass remark, but I figure the poor guy gets it all the time, so for once I kept my mouth shut.
Limbo
Purgatory. That's what state my life is in right now - that irritating not knowing what's going to happen next. Of course you may ask how that differs from everyday life, unless one was psychic. To that I would reply - "Ha ha, smartass. Don't take things so literally - you know that I mean." Because though you may not know what will happen, most of you can safely assume you will be living in the same house, the same town, be at the same job a month from now. Not so for me. I could still be here, or I could be living in Lakeland or Columbus, OH.
About a week or so ago my mother decided that the principal of her school is trying to get her fired, so she's going to quit before that can happen. Before you suggest it, I'm sure she is well aware that she'd get unemployment if fired, but I think she's afraid that she'll never be able to teach again if the principal gets her way. So she's applied for a job in AL, and goes for an interview Tues. There are also all the signs from God she's gotten that this is the best plan of action : 1. She didn't throw away the boxes from when we moved less than a year ago. 2. It's coming up on 1 yr, so we wouldn't have to break our lease to move. 3. I mentioned a job in Ohio doing children's programming before she told me about possibly getting fired.
I can't afford our house by myself or even with Kellie, so if she moves, I inevitably have to move. And it's here that I become completely ambivalent. On the one hand, I really want to move away from Lake City. I am damn sick of moving - it's been once a year for 15 yrs, like the military, but without the benefits of being a military brat. I am ready to move somewhere and stay there for a few years. I applied for a job in OH, but I'm doubtful that I'll get it. I could move in with my grandmother in Lakeland, but I'd spend all of my free time cleaning out her junk-filled house.
However I find myself getting really upset when I think about moving away. It's has nothing to do with the town itself, or my job, but rather the people I work with (most of them), my friends, and people who go to my church (some are under all 3 categories). I'd be more upset moving away from people like Diane and Beverly than my own mother. They're family.
The problem with staying in Lake City (aside from the objections that I'm just hindering myself that I'm sure to hear), is that it would probably mean moving several times. I could move into the trailer on Becky's property, but when she and Jeremy start building their house, I'd have to move b/c they'd get rid of the trailer. Though I haven't approached them about it yet, Caitlin's parents might let me move into her old room, but again, I couldn't stay there for any real length of time, and as I mentioned earlier I'm tired of moving constantly.
Of course, the whole thing could be a moot point. My mother might not get the job in AL. I still feel I need some kind of a plan though, because sitting around and waiting really sucks.
About a week or so ago my mother decided that the principal of her school is trying to get her fired, so she's going to quit before that can happen. Before you suggest it, I'm sure she is well aware that she'd get unemployment if fired, but I think she's afraid that she'll never be able to teach again if the principal gets her way. So she's applied for a job in AL, and goes for an interview Tues. There are also all the signs from God she's gotten that this is the best plan of action : 1. She didn't throw away the boxes from when we moved less than a year ago. 2. It's coming up on 1 yr, so we wouldn't have to break our lease to move. 3. I mentioned a job in Ohio doing children's programming before she told me about possibly getting fired.
I can't afford our house by myself or even with Kellie, so if she moves, I inevitably have to move. And it's here that I become completely ambivalent. On the one hand, I really want to move away from Lake City. I am damn sick of moving - it's been once a year for 15 yrs, like the military, but without the benefits of being a military brat. I am ready to move somewhere and stay there for a few years. I applied for a job in OH, but I'm doubtful that I'll get it. I could move in with my grandmother in Lakeland, but I'd spend all of my free time cleaning out her junk-filled house.
However I find myself getting really upset when I think about moving away. It's has nothing to do with the town itself, or my job, but rather the people I work with (most of them), my friends, and people who go to my church (some are under all 3 categories). I'd be more upset moving away from people like Diane and Beverly than my own mother. They're family.
The problem with staying in Lake City (aside from the objections that I'm just hindering myself that I'm sure to hear), is that it would probably mean moving several times. I could move into the trailer on Becky's property, but when she and Jeremy start building their house, I'd have to move b/c they'd get rid of the trailer. Though I haven't approached them about it yet, Caitlin's parents might let me move into her old room, but again, I couldn't stay there for any real length of time, and as I mentioned earlier I'm tired of moving constantly.
Of course, the whole thing could be a moot point. My mother might not get the job in AL. I still feel I need some kind of a plan though, because sitting around and waiting really sucks.
Sunday, September 2, 2007
Varying Degrees of Ridiculousness
I've been such a slacker - I figured it was time for an update abut all the funny, strange things that I've noticed.
To start with, I found a book in our library called One Hand for Yourself, One Hand for the Ship - A Guide to One-handed Sailing. Now is it just me, or does this sound like a masturbation book to anyone else?
The second wickedly amusing thing- I was mailing out overdue notices when I came across this:
Windy Gayle Thompson*
1167 Stormy Glen
*I changed the last name and house number, but that is seriously the name and street of the person.
Third, I got to see the Superfreak get bitched out by someone's mother. (Unfamiliar with the Superfreak? Read my original confrontation here.) So this past Thurs, Kate and I were up at the cafe for karaoke night, when of course he came in. Surprisingly, he hasn't been his usual supercreepy self, but apparently someone else has been on the end of his attentions, because when we went to leave this woman was screaming at him in the parking lot. She kept yelling "Stay away from my daughter! If I ever see you hit on her again, I'll rip you apart!". It was really scary, and I kinda felt bad for him, but at the same time I absolutely reveled in it.
To start with, I found a book in our library called One Hand for Yourself, One Hand for the Ship - A Guide to One-handed Sailing. Now is it just me, or does this sound like a masturbation book to anyone else?
The second wickedly amusing thing- I was mailing out overdue notices when I came across this:
Windy Gayle Thompson*
1167 Stormy Glen
*I changed the last name and house number, but that is seriously the name and street of the person.
Third, I got to see the Superfreak get bitched out by someone's mother. (Unfamiliar with the Superfreak? Read my original confrontation here.) So this past Thurs, Kate and I were up at the cafe for karaoke night, when of course he came in. Surprisingly, he hasn't been his usual supercreepy self, but apparently someone else has been on the end of his attentions, because when we went to leave this woman was screaming at him in the parking lot. She kept yelling "Stay away from my daughter! If I ever see you hit on her again, I'll rip you apart!". It was really scary, and I kinda felt bad for him, but at the same time I absolutely reveled in it.
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Why Couldn't It Just Be Werewolves?
That would be a hell of a lot easier for me to handle than crazy people. Though not nearly as amusing for anyone who likes to read my blog.
This past Monday was a full moon, but usually the insanity starts a few days ahead. This started almost a whole week ahead. Last Tuesday morning I was up at the front desk with Mary. This woman walks in muttering to herself - sadly, not all that unusual. She comes up to the front desk, and says something totally incoherent. I was helping a patron, but I said hello, and she walked off. She comes back up a few minutes later and sees our "No cell phones" sign. She starts muttering about how "some son of a bitch took my cell phone...", and then switches to complaining about out automatic door that doesn't work. I started to explain that you had to press the button on the wall for it to open (something most 3 yr olds figure out quickly), when she turned to Mary and said "This one is just as stupid as can be". Oooh - she crossed the line there, but she's crazy, so I let it slide. She continued to stand there and mutter, and we ignored her. One of my habits is playing with the rubber bands at the front desk. I never shoot anyone (well, except the occasional coworker), instead it's just something to keep my hands busy. Well she sees me doing this and says, "You gonna shoot me with that? I'll come over there and slap you". Mary gives her another look, and she said "Oh, I guess not", and then Mary asked her to leave.
Well I had to go to the West Branch to take back some of our props from the Harry Potter party, and when I pulled back up in the parking lot, she was talking to our regular, Coltrane, the schizophrenic. Fantastic. Later that afternoon the we had to call the police on the woman because she slapped another one of our patrons. Apparently the police were well familiar with her.
That just left Coltrane, who decided he wanted to talk to me. I was helping another patron, when he came up to the desk and asked "Do you have any kids?". I said no. "Do you want to have mine?". Oh. My. God. I said no, and that it was horribly inappropriate for him to ask such a thing. I then went and told Diane about it, and she had a talk with him. He came up to me later and said "I'm not sorry for what I said, but if it made you uncomfortable, I guess I'm sorry about that." Umm, ok. I said, "Well, I guess that's sort of an apology."
I wish the story ended there.
The next day he came in, and again, wanted to talk to me. Margaret was at the desk with me, but at the time was shelving some DVDs nearby - she could hear the conversation, and later told me it took everything she had not to die laughing. So he comes up and asks "Are you married?". This time, I thought I had learned, and so I lied. "Yes". "How long have you been married?" "Four years" "You must not be very happy". Ok - I took the bait. "Why is that?" "Because you look angry every time you come to work". I wanted to say that I only looked angry when he appeared, but I didn't. It also occurred to me that it implied he was stalking me, but I haven't seen him that often when I come in, and he's big and slow, so it's not that he's hiding that well.
After that, he pretty much left me alone, except that at some point in time he decided to make up his own language, and took to singing a song in that language outside the doors at the top of his lungs. We decided to ignore it because, well, at least he was outside, and not inside bothering us. Of course, then he decided to come inside and try to talk with us in his language, and we refused and sent him outside again.
That was Tues and Wed. Thursday I was at the Marion Street Cafe for karaoke night, when who should appear? Jesus - maybe he is stalking me. (Not that Jesus was stalking me - don't take things so literally) However, he's been banned, and was soon thrown out.
That's my excitement for the week, I'm sure I'll have more craziness soon.
This past Monday was a full moon, but usually the insanity starts a few days ahead. This started almost a whole week ahead. Last Tuesday morning I was up at the front desk with Mary. This woman walks in muttering to herself - sadly, not all that unusual. She comes up to the front desk, and says something totally incoherent. I was helping a patron, but I said hello, and she walked off. She comes back up a few minutes later and sees our "No cell phones" sign. She starts muttering about how "some son of a bitch took my cell phone...", and then switches to complaining about out automatic door that doesn't work. I started to explain that you had to press the button on the wall for it to open (something most 3 yr olds figure out quickly), when she turned to Mary and said "This one is just as stupid as can be". Oooh - she crossed the line there, but she's crazy, so I let it slide. She continued to stand there and mutter, and we ignored her. One of my habits is playing with the rubber bands at the front desk. I never shoot anyone (well, except the occasional coworker), instead it's just something to keep my hands busy. Well she sees me doing this and says, "You gonna shoot me with that? I'll come over there and slap you". Mary gives her another look, and she said "Oh, I guess not", and then Mary asked her to leave.
Well I had to go to the West Branch to take back some of our props from the Harry Potter party, and when I pulled back up in the parking lot, she was talking to our regular, Coltrane, the schizophrenic. Fantastic. Later that afternoon the we had to call the police on the woman because she slapped another one of our patrons. Apparently the police were well familiar with her.
That just left Coltrane, who decided he wanted to talk to me. I was helping another patron, when he came up to the desk and asked "Do you have any kids?". I said no. "Do you want to have mine?". Oh. My. God. I said no, and that it was horribly inappropriate for him to ask such a thing. I then went and told Diane about it, and she had a talk with him. He came up to me later and said "I'm not sorry for what I said, but if it made you uncomfortable, I guess I'm sorry about that." Umm, ok. I said, "Well, I guess that's sort of an apology."
I wish the story ended there.
The next day he came in, and again, wanted to talk to me. Margaret was at the desk with me, but at the time was shelving some DVDs nearby - she could hear the conversation, and later told me it took everything she had not to die laughing. So he comes up and asks "Are you married?". This time, I thought I had learned, and so I lied. "Yes". "How long have you been married?" "Four years" "You must not be very happy". Ok - I took the bait. "Why is that?" "Because you look angry every time you come to work". I wanted to say that I only looked angry when he appeared, but I didn't. It also occurred to me that it implied he was stalking me, but I haven't seen him that often when I come in, and he's big and slow, so it's not that he's hiding that well.
After that, he pretty much left me alone, except that at some point in time he decided to make up his own language, and took to singing a song in that language outside the doors at the top of his lungs. We decided to ignore it because, well, at least he was outside, and not inside bothering us. Of course, then he decided to come inside and try to talk with us in his language, and we refused and sent him outside again.
That was Tues and Wed. Thursday I was at the Marion Street Cafe for karaoke night, when who should appear? Jesus - maybe he is stalking me. (Not that Jesus was stalking me - don't take things so literally) However, he's been banned, and was soon thrown out.
That's my excitement for the week, I'm sure I'll have more craziness soon.
Monday, July 2, 2007
Freudian Slip
A guy came to the library, and was outside looking at our busted out phone, trying to see if there was a phone book. When he didn't find one, he came inside and asked me if we had one. I handed it to him, and he said "Thanks, you're very good-looking - I mean - helpful. You're very helpful." It's funny, but would've been cooler if it wasn't an old man with one leg in a wheelchair.
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