Field of Nightmares

See - I'm a magnet for crazy

2010-05-14T18:16:00.000-07:00

Consider this an update on the online dating note. I hadn't really been on plentyoffish because it's kinda crap and I really just don't care. But I still read the mail I get sometimes just for a laugh. Well hold on to your socks, ladies and gentlemen, because I think I got the most interesting email I've ever gotten. And by interesting, I mean creepy.

Here's the first email I got from this guy:

You seem to be an interesting woman. I travel to your area in my work and you are close.

Please check my profile. I am married.

If you're interested, let's chat and see how the chemistry flows. If you're not interested, I'd appreciate knowing that as well.

Now the whole married thing crosses him off the list for me. But I thought I'd look at his profile anyways, just to see who the hell this person is. This is what I found:

I'm a 60+ professional.

I am stout, portly, got some love handles. I am nearly bald with salt and pepper fringe.

And that's just the first two lines. Then there's blah, blah, blah. And then this:

I am looking for a lady friend with benefits with no third party male involvement. Your having other men in your life isn't a problem; I just don't want them along when you and I are together. I am seeking an intelligent, mature, down-to-earth woman who likes to laugh, doesn't take herself too seriously, is comfortable in her own skin even if she feels she has a little extra padding. BTW, maturity isn't about age; it's more about life's experiences than years.

I am looking for good times, good food, laughter, warmth, humanness, and hope you're like me--disease and drug free. Naturally, your personal hygiene is important but having said that, nothing is more intoxicating than the smell of you when you're in the midst of ecstasy. It is at that moment that I absolutely relish the heat, warmth, smell and salty taste of your body.

And this:

Also, I'm not looking to alter your circumstances or you mine, so you can be married, single, or living together, widowed or divorced. I enjoy ribald humor and a good joke and I'm confident enough to not take myself too seriously and hope you don't either.

And while an adult dating site such as this may lower the barrier to discussions of intimacy, I don't assume that intimacy is an expectation and neither should you. In fact, I've found that things usually go a lot more comfortable for me if I don't hold any expectations and regard whatever occurs between you and I as a wonderful gift.

Needless to say, I was thoroughly creeped out, and sent him a note back saying I was not interested. I mean - ew! He's older than my dad. I figured that would be the end of it. I should've known better. I got this in reply:

I assume that the reason you are not interested in contact with married men is that you are looking for Mr. Right.

Since I am married, I am Mr. Wrong.

However, have you considered the possibility of using me until Mr. Right appears? One of the things about finding that perfect relationship with Mr. Right is the ever present tension created by the sex thing. You want to be assured that he meets all of you requirements before you share you body with him and he’s wondering what kind of hoops he’s gonna have to jump through to convince you to share your body with him.

If you use me to satisfy your sexual urges, then you aren’t so likely to have all that sexual tension with Mr. Right until you have come to the conclusion that he is, in fact, Mr. Right.

With me, there’s no rush to bed down with Mr. Right until you’re satisfied that he is worthy of your affection. Once that happens, you’ll tell me that you’ve have found your one and only and we’ll part friends.

I become your quintessential “friend with benefits” while you continue you search for Mr. Right without all the hassle of the sex thing. Besides who better to give you advice on how to relate to a new man you meet than a man with my level of expertise and experience?

You could do worse than having a man with my experience, wisdom and knowledge of life as a friend, confidant, and mentor.

Just thought you might want to consider this as an alternative.

Oh. Holy. Jesus. Why?! Why do I get crap like this? *sigh* I really should delete the account, but on the bright side, it gives me stuff to write about.

Adventures in Online Dating

2010-03-22T17:29:00.000-07:00

In the past I have been very much against online dating, and after this recount of my experiences of it so far, I'm sure you'll see why. I've always looked at online dating as a last, desperate, act - the equivalent of a personal ad in the paper. That's not why I went on. Mainly, it was a bit of a lark - just to see what happened if I did it. As with all things, as long as I get a good story out of it, it's not a total loss. I hope your at least entertained.

I started out doing eharmony. However, I wasn't about to pay for it, and since you're not able to communicate without signing up, and you can't post your email address, I had to come up with a riddle for people to solve to get my email address. It's simple enough, but I was amazed at how many people tried to contact me through eharmony's website instead of my email. The riddle was this:

My middle name is Marie, and I share my last name with a boxer that bit someone's ear off. I don't have a paid subscription, so if you want to get in touch with me you'll have to take my first name, middle initial, and last name (all together - no space or comma) and email me through google.

Easy enough, right? Especially since they can see my first name and I gave them my middle name. It was kinda my test to see who was smart (or at least read my entire profile). Many, many people were apparently weeded out by this method.

So a friend of mine suggested Plenty of Fish, a free dating site. Well, what can I say? You get what you pay for. I should've known better, but again, I wasn't really looking for anyone to date - n just to see what's out there.

One of the first people to write me was someone whose screen name was subby99. That right there should've set off alarms in my head, but I was oblivious to the fact that subby meant submissive - until I read the heading of the note they sent me. It was this: *whimper* Please *whimper* make me groan. (Note: the heading was the entire thing - there wasn't anything written in the body of the message) Gah! So I click on his name to look at his profile. (Why? Morbid curiosity, I guess) Up pops a picture that looks a lot like Bob Hoskins (you know - the detective from Who Framed Roger Rabbit). In fact, after showing it to several friends, I'm not entirely sure it wasn't a picture of Bob Hoskins. If that in itself weren't creepy enough, under "Likes" he listed whips, corsets, leather, etc.

Most of the other people who messaged me on that lovely site simply put things like. "Hey cutie, want to chat?" Really? Is that the best opening line you have? Nothing intelligent or remotely witty? One that stood out was a guy who really did try though. Now - so you know - this site has e-gifts that you can send to people and one day I got a message with one of those. Inside, the guy actually wrote a paragraph. He wanted us to meet for coffee sometime. Nice, I suppose, except that he lives in Miami! What, are we going to meet in Orlando for coffee? I don't think so! I'm not driving 3 hours for a coffee date after a single message. The e-gift he sent was a picture of a cute puppy. I probably should've liked it, but all I could think was "What a stupid gift! What if this was real? I would hate someone for giving me a puppy to have to look after! (Unless I specifically asked for one of course)". It was silly, but it actually kinda made me angry.

What really killed it for me are the ones that didn't bother with any kind of punctuation or capitalization in their note or on their profile. There are also the douchebags whose profile picture is them with their shirt off, or my favorite - a picture of them with another woman. Yeah, that'll make me want you - show me a picture of you with an ex-girlfriend (or possibly even current girlfriend). What the hell are people thinking?!

One person that pissed me off the most was some ass that thought he was entitled to some kind of a response to me. His initial message to me was this "You are to talented and to pretty to be in this small town. I bet your a blast to hang out with!". Ok, so strike one was not knowing the difference between "too" and "to" (and probably "your" and "you're", but the message was deleted, so I'm not sure) - and you can't just chalk it up to typing error because he did it twice. Then I looked at his profile, and let's just say he fell out of the ugly tree. So trying to be nice and just drop the hint I wasn't interested, I gave some response along the lines of "Oh- I'm not really a blast. I'm pretty boring in my downtime. I'm so busy usually, that there's nothing I like better than doing absolutely nothing in my free time." He wrote some strange response, so I decided to just ignore him. Well a few days pass, and he writes this angry message about how he thinks he deserves more than just one reply and how could I do that, etc. Where the hell did this sense of entitlement come from?! Dude - it's an internet dating site. I fully expect people not to answer. I even had a couple of guys I had nice conversations with that just stopped writing. Did I message them whining and berating them? No - I shrugged it off and moved on. The best part? He messaged me a week or so ago saying "Hey - how's it going?", like nothing ever happened. Yeah...

What's really bizarre is something similar happened to me on Facebook (original post of this is on blogger). A friend of a friend wanted to add me to their friends list a long time ago, and I allowed it. Well then that person started messaging me - but it was never just normal messages - every time it was like they were hitting on me, which was really awkward and off-putting. There was a good long while where I was signing out of Facebook chat if they were online just so I wouldn't have to talk to them. Well I let my guard down, and then they messaged me again. They said something bizarre like "Sorry I couldn't be your other half for your weekend of joy". I was thoroughly confused and they clarified that they meant about Alice in Wonderland. I explained that I would've had to have been working, and the event was cancelled anyways. They then said they hoped they could be my next proposal (again, what?), and asked my opinion on a certain performer. I gave my honest opinion - "Meh. He's ok", and then got yelled at! They said "that's a bad attitude to have when someone is trying to lay down major game". I didn't realized I was actually being propositioned! And who said I have to be nice?! To quote Elizabeth Bennett "I have never desired your good opinion, and you have certainly bestowed it most unwillingly. I am sorry to have occasioned pain to anyone. It has been most unconsciously done, however, and I hope will be of short duration." Actually what I really did was type this:

I'm sorry

I guess I have a bad attitude

I'll save you the trouble of having to talk to me anymore (and I then signed off)

However, I think the last two lines didn't go through because when I signed back in I had a message that said "Maybe we can find something that will amuse us both". So I unfriended them, because I can't deal with this any longer. Please - everyone - don't use Facebook as a dating site! It will only ruin friendships (or at best vague acquaintances)!

Now, I know this has been a very negative post, but I did meet a couple of people I enjoy talking to, so it hasn't been all bad. I have no problem with people meeting online. Amber and Tim did, and so did Caitlin and Sean - one of my best friends for the past 10 years, Chad, and I met online. Lately however, it hasn't really been working out for me, but I'm ok with that. Like I said before, it was a bit of a lark - a social experiment - and as always, I got a good story or two out of it.

First Date Awkwardness Part 2

2009-09-06T16:25:00.000-07:00

Ah the date itself...

First he told me about his drumming. He had only been playing the drums for a few months, but he was really good and felt that God gave him that gift for the "benefit of his glory". *Sigh* I was hoping my questions about speaking in tongues would've been a clue that I didn't want to hear that, but I guess not. I don't have a problem with people believing that God has given them gifts (I believe it myself), but usually the people who just casually toss it around like that are the kind that think God is looking out for them when they find a penny on the sidewalk - it just gets a little ridiculous because it seems like there's no limit to what God has supposedly graced them with.

Next we start talking about family and his kid and he says "Yeah I can't wait til he's grown up and out of the house". I look and him and say " Isn't he 4?". He says yes, and then I said that he'd be regretting that when the kid is 12 and doesn't want to have anything to do with him. To make matters worse, he also said he hated being stuck as a volunteer in his son's Sunday school class. I was shocked because it basically sounded like he hated his son. You're kinda stuck with him for another 14 years - and this is really not something you should be telling me right off the bat! Later in the conversation he was telling me about how his sister got pregnant at 16 (Hello! SO not appropriate first date talk), but that he'd waited, but she turned out to be the wrong one. He said the woman didn't want to have anything to do with the kid after she'd had him. I said, "What, you mean like postpartum depression?" and he said he didn't know, but now she wanted back in his life. So I asked, "Is she on medication or did she get help?", and again he said he didn't know. Oh. My. God. This is the mother of your child and postpartum depression is a REAL THING! What do you mean you don't know?! Shouldn't you care?! Shouldn't your mother have clued you into this?! I was stunned by this display of ignorance.

He also used the pronouns "us" and "we", and I got the feeling he meant him and me - not his mother (who he is living with right now- though I can't hold that against him, as I just moved out again). He was talking about how some guy wanted to try and sell "US" Mona-vie. (It wasn't really that, but something comparable). Back up there bucko! Was he going to do it on this date, or are you already mapping out future plans?! Using those pronouns on a first date - not even a formal one, just lunch - what are you thinking?!

The thing that made me chuckle, but still irked me was this question - "What is the biggest city you've ever been to -- outside of Jacksonville?". He actually felt the need to rule Jacksonville out as a possibility - like I was some hick girl that had never been outside of Florida. So as nonchalantly as possible I said "Well, that would be between London (pause for effect), Paris (pause), or New York. " With each pause his eyes got wider, and was completely gobsmacked. I just shrugged it off and said "I like to travel. I think it's London by the way - last time I was there, I think there were 8 million people living there." I didn't even mention Montreal or Toronto (except maybe later in the conversation).

Eventually I had to go back to work, and a little while later he texted me and said "It was a pleasure having lunch with you - I hope to do it again soon." I was still vexed from lunch so I just replied "Yeah it was ok". He said "I just made an OK impression on you?". I replied that truthfully, yes, it was just ok - there was no click, no spark. He tried to make the excuse that he had been a different person before having a kid, but I wasn't really buying it. It was a nice enough lunch, but the conversation didn't come easy, and as you can see above, it was a bit of a train wreck. I felt bad, and then became depressed because he was really cute, and it hadn't worked out, but it made a great story, and I've gotten a god few laughs out of it since then.

He came in to the library not too long ago, dragging some unattractive girl around in a pathetic "See - I can get someone else" attempt to make me jealous. Oh - and random side story - the trucker guy I mentioned in the beginning of part 1 of this? I saw him at Marion St one night, but didn't say anything. He came in the library the next day though, and I asked him if he liked the show. He stared at me and gave the look of death for a minute before he replied "It was ok". Jeez! I cancelled a date on you almost 2 years ago and you're still going to act like a douche! I was doing it so you wouldn't have to pay for dinner when I was broke - esp. since I was pretty sure there would be no second date! Talk about holding a grudge!

First Date Awkwardness Part 1

2009-07-03T07:49:00.000-07:00

So you all may remember the last time I was faced with going on a first date with someone, I panicked and bailed because I thought he was a stupid redneck truck driver (which I still stand by, even to this day). Well I had another chance (not with the same person), but I overcame panic and actually went on the date.

This guy - we'll call him Armani - and I had actually been flirting off and on whenever he came into the library. I was going to give him my phone # ages ago, but chickened out, and then he stopped coming in. Well about a month or two ago, he came back and the flirting resumed. However since it's me, disaster struck. Your favorite crazy and mine, Coltrane started up his regular behavior. **side story** Coltrane came up to the front desk one day and asked if I was a vampire. I said no, and he insisted I was because I was wearing black and red. When I denied it again, he said that I was a werewolf, and that he could tell because of the structure of my face. He then told me he was a hybrid - half vampire/half werewolf -- obviously he had just watched Underworld**

So anyway - I was in the stacks looking for a book (and ok, I knew Armani was sitting at a desk back there, and I wanted to sneak a look at him {I realize it's kinda creepy as I type it out, but whatever - I know plenty of you would do the same thing}. Well Coltrane walks past, sees me, and backs up and comes down the aisle to talk to me. He just starts handing me random books that I don't need, and when I try to reach for one that I do, he would try to bite my fingers. He then started to talk to me about seeing me at karaoke, and did I go a lot, and I decided it was time to walk away. As I'm walking away he shouts "Will you marry me?". I said no, of course, and he asked "Why not?". I'm practically running away now, and run right past Armani. About 1/2 hour to an hour later, I decided I really did need music trivia, and I thought I would try to find some in Guinness World Records or the World Atlas. As I'm heading to the section, I look over and see Coltrane talking to Armani. Crap! Now I have to go try and rescue him from the crazy!

So I go over and ask Coltrane if he's bothering Armani, and Armani says "No, it's cool". And while I'm trying to persuade him that it's ok to say, "Yes, he's bothering me", Coltrane keeps grabbing at my necklace like a 6 month old. Disaster. Eventually I gave up and walked away, praying I wouldn't have to try to intervene again later. The next day he came in, and I went over to apologize for the mess the day before. He said it was ok, and he felt sorry for him - and oh - I could come and talk to him anytime. Score!

Well I didn't see him for about 2 weeks after that. Then the day that he came in some kid had me cornered at the reference desk, and then followed me over to my office and kept talking my ear off and I thought I lost my chance. I was sitting in my office working on the computer when I heard Armani again - being cornered and talked to death by our resident deaf guy. Ok - so he's not completely deaf - he has hearing aids, but he still signs the majority of what he's saying as he's saying it. That's not what makes him annoying. What makes him annoying is that he preys upon people (specifically, kids - see, creepy!), catching them in awkward conversations in an attempt to get them to come to his sign language class, and the conversation is always the same.

Deaf Guy: Hi, my name is Chris*

Unsuspecting Victim: (looking nervously around) Um, hi...

DG: I am the oldest of 7 brothers. How many brothers and sisters do you have?

UV: Um, 2.

DG: I teach sign language. I taught myself Icelandic, Japanese, Hawaiian, etc. (with childish signs for each of them - i.e. using his fingers to make his eyes slant upwards for Japanese)

UV:( slowly backing away)
*name changed to protect the not-so-innocent

If you want proof, ask Mary - she got cornered by him when she came to help with my Twilight party.

Back to the story - Armani's wrapping up with DG when I hear him say "Yeah you should come. It'll be cool - there will be a healing and probably some speaking in tongues and stuff." NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Now, I'm a Christan, but I just don't dig that stuf - esp. when you're basically implying it be done on command) I was reeling from hearing that when he came to the door and handed me one the fliers he had obviously just given DG. It was for some revival weekend that he told me he was drumming at (which I couldn't go to because of Guys and Dolls - darn!), and then he gave me his number on the back. I could only text him though. I gave him my phone # too because I decided to give him a chance instead of like the last time.

Later however, the speaking in tongues thing bothered me, and I decided to ask him about it. He replied "Well I haven't done it personally, but I am a Christian for sure - and a single dad." Before you freak, I knew he was a dad, but it seemed strange from him to connect the two into a single thought. Still feeling optimistic I agreed to meet him for a lunch date - which I'll tell you about with the next post because this one is getting too long.

Elation!

2009-03-26T13:16:00.000-07:00

I just found out that two of my photographs have been shortlisted to appear in a publication (possibly online only) of a travel guide - schmap.com! (They do over 200 cities worldwide – maps, descriptions, pics, etc.) I just happened to check this yahoo account that I opened to do this 23 Things project through work, and saw the emails. There is no money, but it’s nice to have the recognition of “Hey, you don’t totally suck”. The best part is I didn’t really have to do anything. I just put the pics up on Flickr, and they found me. So I checked my Flickr account and there was another message from someone wanting to add another one of my pics to a group of Art Nouveau works. Sweet! I am in a very good mood now.

Other happenings in my life right now:

The Importance of Being Earnest
This is pretty much taking up my life right now, as most plays usually do. I am playing Lady Bracknell, but because I am splitting the part, the number of performances I’m doing is right now unknown. At the very least I’ll be in 6 runs of the show. I LOVE this show. Oscar Wilde, you are one witty dead man. If you haven’t ever seen the play before, come see this one – or rent the movie (Rupert Everett is fabulous in it!) – but preferably come see me. The cost is $11 and opening weekend is Apr 24th, 8pm Fri and Sat, 2pm Sun.

My new(ish) job
I love my job now. I mean, I liked working at the library, but it was wearing thin on my nerves, and I counted down the minutes before I could leave. Now, I could stay forever – though I sometimes run out of things to do – then I’m ready to go. By the way – my new job is Children’s Program Specialist. I’m starting a teen program after school, and I’ll be doing a lot of the programs I did last summer, like the “Budding Artists” program that was basically and hour-long craft time. I get to be CREATIVE! It’s such a bizarre thing; I almost don’t know what to do with myself.

Personal Life
My personal life is still flat-lining, but that’s ok. I am way too independent and busy (and picky, snobby, demanding, etc.) Every once in awhile a little voice creeps up and says “Yeah, but wouldn’t it be fun to date someone?”, but it hasn’t bothered me too much yet.

Travel
My sister and I have been lamenting about how much we want to go to London. My heart breaks at the thought of it. We’ve been toying with the idea again of trading one of my grandma’s timeshares for a week there, but I don’t know how Kellie would save up the money for food or shopping, much less a plane ticket, so the likelihood of this trip taking place may still be just a dream.

Transvestites and Sugar Mummies

2009-01-22T15:37:00.000-08:00

I’ve been thinking about a lot of random things lately. For instance, what’s the difference between a transvestite and a cross-dresser? Is a cross-dresser just someone who does it occasionally, while whereas a transvestite is a lifestyle?

Then there’s the double standard between genders as far as sexuality. I’m not going to reiterate the whole “If a woman sleeps around, she’s a slut – if a guy sleeps around, he’s a stud” thing. We’ve heard it too many times, and while I think that attitudes are changing somewhat, that standard still applies. Rather, what I’ve been thinking about was prompted by a conversation I had on New Year’s Eve. Liz and Megan told me that to get your lower age limit of the dating pool you take your age, half it, and add 7 – which puts my age limit at about 20. Well - that’s the limit if you don’t want to be taken as a creepy old man/woman. But then I started thinking – women don’t really have that kind of stigma. Older women dating younger guys are now called “cougars”, and it’s kind of a cool thing, whereas most men are looked upon as scum if they’re dating someone too much younger than themselves.

That’s not the way I personally feel – I think it’s pretty creepy no matter what your gender, particularly after watching a BBC documentary titled “Sugar Mummies”, which was all about women who were dating guys about 20 years their junior or younger. The ones where both were a bit older weren’t as bad as the woman in her 30s engaged to a 17 yr old. That’s just wrong on so many levels. She tried to tell the interviewer that she was often mistaken for someone in her 20s, but it was pretty obvious that there was no way that was true. I don’t know what the laws are in England, but I’m pretty sure that relationship is borderline (if not actually) illegal here in the States. Dating someone that age when I was that same age was bad enough, I can’t imagine being my age now, or ever older trying to date a 17 yr old.

Just think about all those news stories about teachers sleeping with their students. Most of them are women, and get off with what I equate to a slap on the wrist. Though I have yet to compare, I’m sure that men found in similar situations would have the book thrown at them.

This wasn’t just prompted by documentaries and conversations. I’ve had a couple of friends in recent years marry people who are about 20 years older than them, and it’s been quite disturbing to me. It would be one thing if these guys looked like Johnny Depp, but trust me – they’re nowhere close. Now I know that’s awfully superficial of me – crucify me if you like – but the gap in age is also bothersome. Do they have daddy issues or is it just self-esteem? I just assumed that they didn’t think they could get anyone better, so they just settled – which is the most depressing thing I can think of. Am I just that cynical? Can I not just accept that maybe they actually found someone they love and want to be with? Maybe I just see a lot of similarity between me and these women – though I have to admit, I’m extremely picky, and not likely to settle for just any old person.

Are you going to Hoggetowne Faire?

2009-01-13T10:22:00.000-08:00

There's so little to write, so much time with which to write it! Wait - scratch that, reverse it.

I have so much to talk about since I have been the ultimate slacker. I was pretty much the Ally Sheedy of bloggers (get it? Since I pretty much fell off the face of the earth for the last 6 months). But I am back, and ready to fill you all in on the goings-on of my life since I've been away. And don't worry, there is much to tell- more crazy stories about my mom, weddings, deaths, births - *sigh* I almost don't know where to start.

How about what has been taking up most of my free time? The Hoggetowne medieval faire. Last year I did a show, A Midsummer Night's Dream, with several people who were apart of a group in Gainesville called the Thieves' Guilde. (And no, they don't go around stealing stuff - that wold be illegal, but pretty cool). The group does the human chessboard (think wizards' chess) at the faire every year. They're not SCA - it's mainly just getting to do some cool fights in costumes that look vaguely medieval. Mike, who played Oberon, called me asking if I would be his stage manager, which I had to refuse because it was too much to try drive to Gville every weekend. Well he called me again later and asked if I would be costume coordinator, which didn't have much of a time commitment, and so I said yes, much to my chagrin now.

I don't know why I said yes - I don't know how to sew, but he said that wouldn't be a problem - it was mainly just making sure people stuck to the color schemes we set for each side. Easy, right? I have never felt so stupid in my life - seriously. People asked me a million questions about sewing, none of which I could really answer. But I'm glad I agreed, because I also ended up auditioning and getting a lead role. I am playing Morgause - head bitch on the black side. This year is Mordred and Morgause v. Arthur and Guinevere - and it looks like the show will be good. If you don't know the story - basically, I am Arthur's sister, and our child (yes, OUR child) is Mordred, who is hell-bent on killing Arthur and overtaking the crown. I am basically Becky Sharp from Vanity Fair, with a bit of Medea (old Greek legend - not the black woman) thrown in for good measure. It's all about climbing the social ladder for me. Sounds like fun, right?

I've got a kickass dress being made, and just dyed my hair black for the role. Also? I've been making the banners, Guinevere's crown (I'll try to post pics), and the black side crowns that will be made of wire and sausage casing (which dries to look like skin - it's wicked). So if anyone is in the area - you should come see me. It's the last two weekends in January at the Alachua County Fairgrouds. I think it's a $10 admission fee. *correction - it's $12 to get in*

Rebirth

2008-12-30T16:53:00.000-08:00

With a new year, I figured it's time to give this blog new life.

Sadly, it was ended almost a year ago due to an unfortunate incident I've been trying to block from my mind. What has spawned this new eagerness to blog? Well aside from my newish laptop, and the whole New Year's resolution stuff, it is this. The PR group in charge of promoting the Coraline movie has been sending boxes of Coraline stuff out to bloggers talking about the movie. It's like a golden ticket!!! And I am Charlie Bucket and it is my sincerest wish to get one.

In case there are any of the PR people stumbling across this blog let me tell you why I think I should get it.

1. I am a huge Neil Gaiman fan! So much so that I actually read several of his stories from Smoke and Mirrors at bedtime to my high school youth group while we were on a trip - and made fans out of several of them.

2. I have a degree in animation. Sadly, a degree I do not use at my current job in a library, but that would make it all the more sweet! I was dying to work at Aardman studios (or any other studio for that matter) for the longest time, and actually applied to several jobs, but alas nothing. Stop-motion has a special place in my heart and I understand the work that goes into these movies.

3. Since I work at a library, I could use it for a display to promote the movie AND his books! How awesome would that be?!

So - ye gods of Coraline PR, if you want to grant a sad librarian one wish this new year, it would be to recieve one of your glorious boxes - my email is stephaniemarietyson@hotmail.com - just in case you need to email me to get my address.

I don't know how much I'll write here now

2008-03-06T08:29:00.000-08:00

I just got a verbal warning at work, one that will go on my permanent record, due to the content of the last post, which has now been deleted. You can still read my blog on myspace, but I am changing my settings as we speak to only enable friends to view it.

Clash of the Titans

2008-02-06T08:19:00.000-08:00

This post has been deleted.

Redneckus Totalis: The Name Game

2007-11-19T08:37:00.000-08:00

After a bit of a hiatus, I've decided to bring back a popular blog subject - the study of the North American Redneckus Totalis. Further case studies have been inspired by a recent opportunity to observe some members of this species. The last case study touched upon the topic of the family, but today's focus is on the naming of children.

In a time when celebrities are naming their children such things as Audio Science (Shannyn Sossamon), Pilot Inspector (Jason Lee), and Moxie CrimeFighter (Penn Gilette), it's hardly a wonder that members of this species have taken to doing the same. As of late, I've had the pleasure of meeting a young child named Trucker. Not Tucker, Trucker - as in "one who drives a truck". This child is also cross-eyed and has a mullet. Chances of him surviving in normal society are slim, but among his own people, he may grow up to be a god -- or at least father to 5 children - sometimes they're the same thing.

As many of us have experienced growing up, there is a hierarchy of names. The name you are given is said to affect personality, and can often be the deciding factor in how much your made fun of/beaten the crap out of in school. So while in the 80s names like Jennifer, Stephanie, Matt, and Jeremy prevailed among the rest of the population, the Redneckus Totalis had its own hierarchy of names it adhered to - Bubba, Beau, Jana, or Paris. Which brings us to another point: often, in an attempt to help propel their children to greatness, the Redeckus Totalis will give their children names of things they think are fancy - Chardonnay, Paris, Diamond or, if they can't think of something, even just the name Fancy has been known to be given. Certain names have more power and significance among this species, and below is a list of those names and their ranking in that society.

10. Walker
9. Texas Ranger (if you want a sissy - name him Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman)
8. John Boy
7. Trucker
6. Luke or Beau (Duke - they helped bring incest [referred to by most RTs as "familial love"] to prime time)
5. John Deere
4. Copenhagen (note: not named for the city)
3. Forrest (as in Gump, hero of the species - also acceptable: Bubba or Lt. Dan)
2. George W.

and, as if you couldn't guess this one:

1. Dale Earnhardt (not Jr)

Other names that are equally powerful, but not listed here are as follows: any beer company (American preferred), any CONFEDERATE Civil War general, car, or tractor make/model.

Still, there are others that adhere to the Double Name Rule. This rule was inspired by the idea that if you can't choose between two things you like - chocolate and peanut butter, pot and cartoons, fishing and drinking, hunting and drinking, driving and drinking, then having them both together is twice as good! So, often children of this species have two first names - Mary Beth, Bobbie Jo, Ricky Bobby, Jim Bob etc. **Warning!** Sometimes members of normal society are mistaken for Redneckus Totalis if their family usually refers to them by their first and middle names (ex: Laurie - known as just Laurie to the rest of us, but called Laurie Ann[e?] by her family). Look for other signs that denote membership of the species before committing a heinous faux-pas.

So what is Trucker's fate? Normally I would say he is no more damned than if you named your child Taylor and they ended up in a sweat-shop, however truck driver is a common profession among the Redneckus Totalis, and so it would seem it is destiny. Until he grows up and achieves truck-driving greatness though, he is probably also destined to get the shit kicked out of him because he will attend public school, and is cross-eyed with a mullet - he's, let's face it, an easy target. Unless of course his mother is a member of the species that believes passing on her own ignorance is better than a public education. In such a case, he may just grow up to be president.

Levity

2007-10-05T07:22:00.001-07:00

Alright, I feel I should post something a little lighter, and since I was a lazy slacker and didn't post this when it happened, I should do it now.

Does everyone remember the woman who brought in the books filled with roaches? Really, how could you forget? Well a few weeks ago she came in with an Outkast shirt on that said "So Fresh and So Clean". Excuse me, waiter? There's some irony in my soup.

That same day I signed Howard Johnson up for a library card. I thought about making some smartass remark, but I figure the poor guy gets it all the time, so for once I kept my mouth shut.

Limbo

2007-10-05T06:33:00.001-07:00

Purgatory. That's what state my life is in right now - that irritating not knowing what's going to happen next. Of course you may ask how that differs from everyday life, unless one was psychic. To that I would reply - "Ha ha, smartass. Don't take things so literally - you know that I mean." Because though you may not know what will happen, most of you can safely assume you will be living in the same house, the same town, be at the same job a month from now. Not so for me. I could still be here, or I could be living in Lakeland or Columbus, OH.

About a week or so ago my mother decided that the principal of her school is trying to get her fired, so she's going to quit before that can happen. Before you suggest it, I'm sure she is well aware that she'd get unemployment if fired, but I think she's afraid that she'll never be able to teach again if the principal gets her way. So she's applied for a job in AL, and goes for an interview Tues. There are also all the signs from God she's gotten that this is the best plan of action : 1. She didn't throw away the boxes from when we moved less than a year ago. 2. It's coming up on 1 yr, so we wouldn't have to break our lease to move. 3. I mentioned a job in Ohio doing children's programming before she told me about possibly getting fired.

I can't afford our house by myself or even with Kellie, so if she moves, I inevitably have to move. And it's here that I become completely ambivalent. On the one hand, I really want to move away from Lake City. I am damn sick of moving - it's been once a year for 15 yrs, like the military, but without the benefits of being a military brat. I am ready to move somewhere and stay there for a few years. I applied for a job in OH, but I'm doubtful that I'll get it. I could move in with my grandmother in Lakeland, but I'd spend all of my free time cleaning out her junk-filled house.

However I find myself getting really upset when I think about moving away. It's has nothing to do with the town itself, or my job, but rather the people I work with (most of them), my friends, and people who go to my church (some are under all 3 categories). I'd be more upset moving away from people like Diane and Beverly than my own mother. They're family.

The problem with staying in Lake City (aside from the objections that I'm just hindering myself that I'm sure to hear), is that it would probably mean moving several times. I could move into the trailer on Becky's property, but when she and Jeremy start building their house, I'd have to move b/c they'd get rid of the trailer. Though I haven't approached them about it yet, Caitlin's parents might let me move into her old room, but again, I couldn't stay there for any real length of time, and as I mentioned earlier I'm tired of moving constantly.

Of course, the whole thing could be a moot point. My mother might not get the job in AL. I still feel I need some kind of a plan though, because sitting around and waiting really sucks.

Varying Degrees of Ridiculousness

2007-09-02T14:07:00.000-07:00

I've been such a slacker - I figured it was time for an update abut all the funny, strange things that I've noticed.

To start with, I found a book in our library called One Hand for Yourself, One Hand for the Ship - A Guide to One-handed Sailing. Now is it just me, or does this sound like a masturbation book to anyone else?

The second wickedly amusing thing- I was mailing out overdue notices when I came across this:

Windy Gayle Thompson*
1167 Stormy Glen

*I changed the last name and house number, but that is seriously the name and street of the person.

Third, I got to see the Superfreak get bitched out by someone's mother. (Unfamiliar with the Superfreak? Read my original confrontation here.) So this past Thurs, Kate and I were up at the cafe for karaoke night, when of course he came in. Surprisingly, he hasn't been his usual supercreepy self, but apparently someone else has been on the end of his attentions, because when we went to leave this woman was screaming at him in the parking lot. She kept yelling "Stay away from my daughter! If I ever see you hit on her again, I'll rip you apart!". It was really scary, and I kinda felt bad for him, but at the same time I absolutely reveled in it.

Why Couldn't It Just Be Werewolves?

2007-08-01T08:35:00.000-07:00

That would be a hell of a lot easier for me to handle than crazy people. Though not nearly as amusing for anyone who likes to read my blog.

This past Monday was a full moon, but usually the insanity starts a few days ahead. This started almost a whole week ahead. Last Tuesday morning I was up at the front desk with Mary. This woman walks in muttering to herself - sadly, not all that unusual. She comes up to the front desk, and says something totally incoherent. I was helping a patron, but I said hello, and she walked off. She comes back up a few minutes later and sees our "No cell phones" sign. She starts muttering about how "some son of a bitch took my cell phone...", and then switches to complaining about out automatic door that doesn't work. I started to explain that you had to press the button on the wall for it to open (something most 3 yr olds figure out quickly), when she turned to Mary and said "This one is just as stupid as can be". Oooh - she crossed the line there, but she's crazy, so I let it slide. She continued to stand there and mutter, and we ignored her. One of my habits is playing with the rubber bands at the front desk. I never shoot anyone (well, except the occasional coworker), instead it's just something to keep my hands busy. Well she sees me doing this and says, "You gonna shoot me with that? I'll come over there and slap you". Mary gives her another look, and she said "Oh, I guess not", and then Mary asked her to leave.

Well I had to go to the West Branch to take back some of our props from the Harry Potter party, and when I pulled back up in the parking lot, she was talking to our regular, Coltrane, the schizophrenic. Fantastic. Later that afternoon the we had to call the police on the woman because she slapped another one of our patrons. Apparently the police were well familiar with her.

That just left Coltrane, who decided he wanted to talk to me. I was helping another patron, when he came up to the desk and asked "Do you have any kids?". I said no. "Do you want to have mine?". Oh. My. God. I said no, and that it was horribly inappropriate for him to ask such a thing. I then went and told Diane about it, and she had a talk with him. He came up to me later and said "I'm not sorry for what I said, but if it made you uncomfortable, I guess I'm sorry about that." Umm, ok. I said, "Well, I guess that's sort of an apology."

I wish the story ended there.

The next day he came in, and again, wanted to talk to me. Margaret was at the desk with me, but at the time was shelving some DVDs nearby - she could hear the conversation, and later told me it took everything she had not to die laughing. So he comes up and asks "Are you married?". This time, I thought I had learned, and so I lied. "Yes". "How long have you been married?" "Four years" "You must not be very happy". Ok - I took the bait. "Why is that?" "Because you look angry every time you come to work". I wanted to say that I only looked angry when he appeared, but I didn't. It also occurred to me that it implied he was stalking me, but I haven't seen him that often when I come in, and he's big and slow, so it's not that he's hiding that well.

After that, he pretty much left me alone, except that at some point in time he decided to make up his own language, and took to singing a song in that language outside the doors at the top of his lungs. We decided to ignore it because, well, at least he was outside, and not inside bothering us. Of course, then he decided to come inside and try to talk with us in his language, and we refused and sent him outside again.

That was Tues and Wed. Thursday I was at the Marion Street Cafe for karaoke night, when who should appear? Jesus - maybe he is stalking me. (Not that Jesus was stalking me - don't take things so literally) However, he's been banned, and was soon thrown out.

That's my excitement for the week, I'm sure I'll have more craziness soon.

Freudian Slip

2007-07-02T14:30:00.000-07:00

A guy came to the library, and was outside looking at our busted out phone, trying to see if there was a phone book. When he didn't find one, he came inside and asked me if we had one. I handed it to him, and he said "Thanks, you're very good-looking - I mean - helpful. You're very helpful." It's funny, but would've been cooler if it wasn't an old man with one leg in a wheelchair.

If I Only Had A Lisp...

2007-06-12T13:03:00.000-07:00

Maybe dealing with this person the other day would have been easier.

A woman called asking if we had any books with practice tests for some corrections job. We didn't, but I told her we could order one. Well she was taking it really soon, so I told her about a practice test site that we have. So I told her our website ccpl.sirsi.net and told her how to get to the site. Well we struggled a bit, but I thought she had gotten it.

Yesterday, I get a call transferred to me, and it's the same woman. I asked her to read the web address she wrote down. It was ccpl.sir.fi.net. Good lord. So I told her the website again. Ok, ccpl.sirfi.net. No, the second one is an "s". Ok, sirfi.net. No, "s" as in sunburn. She just couldn't get it - even the people waiting for me to get off the phone were like "What the hell is her problem?". Finally I looked up the site and told her to go to learningexpresslibrary.com. If she can't get that, then maybe she should give up on corrections. (Or maybe it's a perfect fit, as long as she doesn't have to use a phone and a computer.)

Midsummer Night's Dream

2007-06-12T10:57:00.000-07:00

Midsummer Night's Dream update:

Tomorrow night is press night. I found this out Monday last week, and have killed myself trying to get a kickass costume together. Thankfully I have a great seamstress (Mary), and a fab hairdresser (Brandi), who really helped me out. I now have awesome hair (asymmetrical cut with cranberry streaks) to match my badass dress (goddess style, cranberry satin with an iridescent reddish/purplish organza overlay - accessories - gold.) Hopefully I can post some pics.

Oh - I'm apparently a pedophile now as well. Or, well Oberon made Titania a pedophile. Confused? Well, the person who was to originally play Bottom, the character Titania is made to fall in love with dropped out. He was in his 40s, and kinda looked like a Parrot-head (Jimmy Buffett fan) - blond curly hair, sunburn, Hawaiian shirts, etc -but he was perfect for the part. However, he had to drop out due to come family emergency. The directors had stretched their pool of actors just to get Oberon (who is fantastic by the way), and so had to move the roles around a bit and put one of the actors we already had in the part. So now Bottom is played by a 16 yr old, and I feel like a total pervert every time I have to hang all over him during rehearsals.

Still, it seems like a good show, and you should come out to see it just because you love me.
Shows are June 29th - July 1st, July 6th-8th, 13th-15th, and 20th-22nd. Fri and Sat shows start at 8pm, Sunday at 2pm, and doors open 1/2 hr before showtime. Tickets can be bought at the Silver Chest (LC), Omni (Gville), and Enchanted Memories (HS). $10 adults, $8 kids and seniors. If any of this info if wrong, Ill post on update.

One Million Dollars

2007-06-12T10:55:00.000-07:00

Oh.My.God.

*sigh* It's been awhile since I've written any library blogs, I suppose because I didn't have any material - until today.

Let me backpedal a bit and tell you about one of our regulars. He's a big, tall guy, 20s, who used to come in to use the internet - let's call him Coltrane. I never thought much about him, but in the last few months he's been wandering, talking to himself or anyone who will listen. I think he's schizophrenic, but I don't have any proof, just a comparison in behavior to other people I've known. Anyways, Coltrane's always been harmless - example: I was telling a patron about Midsummer and my role in it, when he walked by and overheard me say something about being queen of the fairies. Well he just giggled when he heard that, and on my way into work the next morning, shouted "Hey Fairy Queen!".

Well today I was shelving, and he came up to me and asked me if I liked my job, and asked my favorite book. I couldn't think of anything, so he asked me what I would buy if I had a million dollars. I told him I didn't know, hoping he'd go away, but I should've known better. Instead, he kept throwing things out until I finally said a house in London. Then he starts telling me about his castle, and I can come visit it, and it's the biggest one there (except for Harry and Will's), except he has to wait for his grandma to die before he can give me the money.

He kept coming up to me saying things like that. Then, I was at reference and he came up and said that he had been sitting on his couch, thinking about going to the bank, and getting a million dollars and giving it to me, but he didn't. Oh- but he would if I wanted him to, and did I want him to do that? He said he'd give it to me so I wouldn't have to work here anymore, and I said that was nice, and a million would go a long way. He said "Alright, but you have to make love to me first - remember that." Oh. My. God. That totally crossed the line from harmless to a little weird/scary.
He then came back and said "I've been watching you ever since I moved here, when I would come to get online (he obviously still comes in to get online), but I couldn't ever do anything because of the police". I'm a little curious as to how this day is different from all the other days he didn't say anything. These snippets of what you could call a conversation happened over about an hour between his wandering back and forth. He came back again after that, and started towards one of the chairs, and said he was going to sit there while I thought about whether I wanted the million dollars. (I had already told him no at this point). I said ok, but he'd have to be quiet. That lasted for about 20 seconds, and then he left again.

The other gem from this morning was a woman wanting to come in to complain. She had checked out a book (a recently published book too) that had addresses for publishers. She sent some manuscripts to Jacksonville, and it had been three months and she hadn't heard anything back. She asked the post office, and obviously they couldn't tell her anything, so she came to us. Some phone # she had gotten didn't work, and the operator couldn't give her a number. Maybe your manuscripts sucked, and they didn't bother to contact you. OR maybe they haven't had the time to read it. She ended up convincing herself that someone had put up a fake address just to steal people's work.

Bow to the Queen!

2007-05-24T18:11:00.000-07:00

After all, Stephanie means "crowned one". However, that's not why you should bow. You should bow because I am going to be playing the part of Titania, Queen of the Fairies -insert fag hag joke here- in the summer production of Midsummer Night's Dream down in High Springs.

I'm so psyched! There aren't actually that many lines, but it's one of the most recognizable characters from the play. If any of you are in the area at the end of July, beginning of August you should come check it out!

Panic! At the Homestead

2007-05-11T08:20:00.000-07:00

This morning - 1:30 in the morning to be exact - I was awakened by my sister saying that we got a phone call to be evacuated. It was a recorded phone call, and it gave no time by which we should evacuate, only a phone # for more info, which was of course, busy.

Well Kellie made the mistake of telling my mother before we formulated a plan or figured out what the hell was going on, and as my mother always does in these situations, she panicked. She started rushing around, grabbing and packing everything she could. Kellie tried calling some of her friends who lived out here as well, and none of them had gotten phone calls.

Then my aunt Susan called. Apparently my mother had gotten a hold of the phone and called her. (Why - I have no idea - she lives in VA). Kellie and I were trying to reason, saying we at least had until morning if we did have to leave, and she kept going "No, I-10 is closing down". Right - when do we use I-10? Almost never. And that's north of us and they're evacuating everyone north of I-10.

She persisted however, and had us gathering things she could sell if we needed money when our house burned down. Kellie finally made her call Gloria, my mother's pastor (for lack of a better word), and her husband was the voice of reason. They live out this way too, and he said they hadn't gotten any phone calls either. He promised that he would help us get out if we needed to evacuate. That satisfied her (this is about an hour later), and we were able to go back to bed. Frank called back shortly saying that he talked to an emergency worker, and apparently they made the automated phone area too large, and they were having to call people back to tell them to stay home. I'm glad we waited and were cautious (well, Kellie and I were). If my mother would've had her way, we would have been out of the house by 2:30 this morning just driving around, or headed to her friend's house in Gainesvile.

I slept until 10, when my mother woke me - again, to tell me she was going to stay with her friend Dawn out in McAlpin or O'Brien. I stayed behind, and they left directions to her house. I think they're doing it to give her comfort and placate her, but depending upon how bad the smoke gets, I may go too.

How Can We Sleep When Our Beds Are Burning?

2007-05-10T16:45:00.000-07:00

Lake City has had some pretty frightening conditions over the past few days. There have been some wildfires to the north of us (some started by that wicked lightning storm we had last Saturday).

This past Monday, at about 2 in the afternoon, the whole atmosphere was a deep yellow, and ash rained down. I thought today was going to be like that too, but it got much worse. Yellow turned to amber, which turned to orange, and then to red. Very eerie. Here are some pics:

Those orbs are the ash reflecting the flash in the camera. Those pics were taken at about 3:45 today. I tried to get a shot with my watch in the field, but it was so dark, and the flash to bright, you couldn't see the time anyways.

Yoshimi, They Don't Believe Me

2007-04-16T18:33:00.000-07:00

Last night was pretty kickass.

I went to the FREE Flaming Lips concert sponsored by UF. Caitlin and I went to G-ville earlier that day and ate @ Chutnees with her parents. (Awesome food btw - everyone in the area should go try it). Then we went to an Indian market, and I bought henna and she bought rose-flavored yogurt shake. (Yum, flowery). Then we just hung out at the mall for awhile. (After having an encounter with some rather enthusiastic salesmen [well, boys] at Best Buy)

Anyways, we got there @ 4:30, and thinking it would be like last year, I was hoping to get a parking space right by the field. No such luck, so we had to park on Frat Row, but that was ok. We got to the field and I said "Ok, so we need to look for people we know", and Cailtin looks up and goes, "How about them?". It just so happened that Daniel, Timmy, Mary, and Silas were walking right in front of us at that moment. We decided to station ourselves right in front of the sound board so people couldn't push us, and settled in.

5 o'clock was when it was supposed to start, but they were still doing sound checks then. (Cool note - the band is very hands on, and did the sound checks themselves, even playing a full song for us) 6 the first band played - Star Death and White Dwarf (or something like that). They were ok - much better on the instrumental only songs. Later we found out that's Wayne's (lead singer of Flaming Lips for those not in the know) nephew and his band. Cute. The Rapture came on next, and though I had only heard one of their songs before, I really liked their set.

About 8:30 Flaming Lips finally came on. They opened with Firebird Suite, and Wayne got into this giant inflatable ball and walked out over the crowd. There was this giant screen behind the band showing all sorts of bizarre clips, and confetti shot out of cannons. There was was also a flock of santas and a horde of aliens that stayed onstage and just danced to every song. The singer also had this weird cane thing that shot out paper ribbons and confetti onto the crowd. It was a pretty incredible show - there were people dressed up (last count, like 5 fairies, a turtle, a robot, 2 hands, a nun, Animal, and Captain Hook/Morgan). At one point in time Wayne got out a nun puppet and was leading the crowd in singing the chorus of "Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots" with it. I was also pelted in the back of the head several times with glowsticks, but I picked them up and threw them up to the front of the crowd. By the end I was freezing and my feet hurt, but it was an amazing experience and everyone should try to go to one of their shows.

I've decided that the singer could totally be a cult leader. Every time he came onstage (even when not performing) people went nuts. He also talked about self-empowerment, love, (oh - and a good bit of W bashing) and he just has the charisma to do it. There were a ton of people there too. House of Blues holds about 2,000, and I'm pretty sure there were more than that - I'd say about 3,000. Next weekend is going to seem so dull by comparison.

Uninspired

2007-04-09T11:54:00.000-07:00

I am feeling rather uninspired. I can't really think of anything to write about - I think the Blog Supergroup has spoiled me. I only have to think up a topic once every 5 weeks! So - if there are any loyal readers (or any readers at all) who have an idea for something they'd like to see written leave a comment and I'll see what I can do. It can be comedy or whatever your heart desires - I need the challenge.

Gag Me With A Spoon

2007-03-28T06:36:00.000-07:00

I had the most disgusting thing happen at work yesterday.

I had just gotten done helping another patron, when Diane asked me to check in some books that a woman had just set up on the counter. They were on the other end of the desk, so I slid then toward me, and when I went to pick the first one up about 5 roaches (the small infestation ones) and various other bugs all swarmed out. I freaked, and moved the keyboard out of the way, and then Diane and I spent the next five minutes stomping and trying to squish the little suckers. The woman? Completely unfazed - apparently she was returning the books for someone else and hadn't noticed the "little pets" (her term, not mine). When she came back up to check out more, she said she'd try to keep an eye out for them next time.

Oh and the best part? This woman is very large, and was wearing just a sports bra with a denim button-down shirt open over it. I know this is an unspoken rule, but let me say it, just in case there are people out there who think otherwise: If your stomach sticks out farther than your chest, you shouldn't be wearing any midriff-baring tops.

Prolonging The War? $124 Billion...

2007-03-24T10:46:00.000-07:00

Jeb Bush being denied an honorary degree from the University of Florida? Priceless.

Read the article here.

Tag! I'm it!

2007-03-23T10:37:00.000-07:00

These probably won't surprise anyone but here are

10 random facts about me:

1. I am the first woman (I think) to dress in drag at High Springs Community Theater. If that's not true, then I'm the first woman to dress in double drag (I was Klinger in MASH)

2. I have a thing for tall, kinda geeky guys with glasses - don't ask me why - I just know that at least in college, those were the guys I had a thing for.

3. I won tickets to Super Soap Weekend at Disney by writing an email to a radio station in Orlando about how my life was like a soap opera.

4. I have been to 6 countries in the past 3 years.

5. I have dyed my hair every color under the sun except black. (You can't cover that up once it grows out)

6. I have met The Crystal Method, Iggy Pop, Cake, Bill Clinton, John Edwards, sat behind Janet Reno, talked to Jon Stewart...wow I feel like such a name- dropping whore now.

7. I have moved at least 15 times in my life (maybe more - I'm not too sure about before kindergarten)

8. I went to both my junior and senior year proms and spent about 1 1/2 there combined.

9. I have a morbid fascination with death. I love the book Stiff: Curious Lives of Human Cadavers, the show Six Feet Under, and recently started researching Victorian post-mortem photography.

10. I am a walking library catalog. Ask me about a topic, and I can get pretty close to the call number or I can least point you to the right section.

I was tagged by Ethan to do this, so the following 10 people are tagged: Glenn, Laurie, Jane, Caitlin, Kate, Mary, Amber, Melissa, Jodie, and Ryan.

Update: "Where does it say that?"

2007-03-23T10:36:00.000-07:00

The woman came up yesterday and apologized. I was blown away - that never happens! People here just treat you like crap and then pretend it didn't happen the next time they come in.

I told her that didn't happen very often, and she thought that I meant people weren't rude very often. Ha ha. I explained that people didn't apologize and thanked her for it.

Where Does It Say That?

2007-03-17T15:32:00.000-07:00

I was just having a peachy day at work - up until about the last 15 minutes. That's the time we start shutting down all the public computers. One woman had stayed on, and I told her it was time to get up. Well here - it went something like this:

Me: "OK, it's time to get up."

Snotty Woman: "But there's still 15 minutes left."

Me:"Actually we start shutting our computers down 15 minutes before we close."

SN:"Where does it say that?"

Me:"Um, well they made an announcement 15 minutes ago, and they made another one just now."

SN:"OK, but where does it say that?"

WTF?! Fine! I was bound and determined to find it, because I'll be damned if I let someone mouth off to me when I know I'm right. I started looking in our notebook that had copies of the Internet usage agreement, but couldn't find it. Finally I grabbed the copy available for patrons, and lo in behold, in print, it was there.

Me:"There. Second one down."

SN:"Well do you have a suggestion box?"

Me:"Well I think you can get online to - "

SN:(interrupting) "Well not NOW."

Me:"Tomorrow then, or you can call the director and talk to her."

What a bitch. I was ready to fight after that, but instead met my sister at Fu King where we giggled like kindergartners over Koon Poo Chicken.

How Many Idiots Does It Take...?

2007-03-17T15:23:00.000-07:00

We've just switched over to a new system at work, and as a result, our new web page has been on the fritz. Unfortunately, our main catalogs at the library are dependent upon the website.

Well Nicole and I were sitting at reference, when I noticed some people were over at the catalog. I knew the catalog was shot, so I was just waiting for them to realize it and come over to ask me about the location of some books. 10 minutes later they're still standing there slack-jawed looking at the computer. Finally they came over, and the guy asked about a website for car prices. We gave them some, and they walked over to one of our computers on the perimeter. These don't have Internet access either, so Nicole and I just watched, waiting for them to realize and to come back.

1o minutes later they're still starting at a web page that won't come up. Then a THIRD person comes up, and they sit there for another 5 minutes. I just couldn't take it anymore, and I walked over to tell them that it didn't have Internet...jeez.

I Call Him Jon Stewart, He Calls Me Miss

2007-03-17T15:15:00.000-07:00

I know I have been a total slacker. I really need to write more on this personal blog, but the supergroup seems to sap all my creativity each week. (Though some who have read my posts there might beg to differ)

Anyways, I thought I'd tell you all about my trip to NYC. The plane ride over was rather uneventful - though going through security in Jacksonville took longer than in JFK on the way back. Laurie met me at the airport, and after what seemed like riding for forever on the subway we got to her place, dropped off my stuff, and went to meet her friends for drinks.

We went to this tiny Irish bar - this place was barely wider than most hallways - and I finally got to meet Laurie's friend Christine, along with some of her friends - Gideon, Anwar, some other chick, and this damn fine guy, Adam. They had started long before we got there, so we only had about 1 drink, and everyone went their own ways. So Laurie and I decided to go to Trader Joe's (this grocery store) so I wouldn't spend all of my money on food. I kid you not, the line for the cash registers wraps around the inside of the building. Good food for really reasonable prices, but Jesus, waiting in line - thankfully I was there with Laurie, so we could keep hopping in and out of line to grab stuff while we waited.

The next day Laurie had to go to a meeting in Denver. I was awakened at about 4 in the morning because she didn't have any cash and she needed to pay for a ride, as the one that was supposed to be there was going to be 1/2 hr late. My original intention for that day was to go to the Today show with a sign saying "I just got to NYC last night, and today my friend abandoned me" - not that I actually felt that way, but because it would get me attention and some airtime. Alas, my laziness got the better of me (well and being woken up) and I slept in 'til about 9, left the house about 11, and made my way to the Guggenheim. Unfortunately, the outside was being worked on, so all I could see was scaffolding, but the inside didn't disappoint. (I wish I had something other than dialup, otherwise I'd post some pics right now). To add to the disappointment, there was also a school group there that day to add to the crowds, so I didn't get to spend as much time looking at some paintings as I would have liked.

I bought a citypass (this little booklet with discounted tickets to museums and other attractions), and it had a ticket to the Natural History Museum, so I though "what the heck". I looked at the map and saw it was just on the other side of Central Park, so I decided to just cut through. (I probably would've visited at some point anyways). I was starting on a path, but after a few minuted realized I couldn't follow it through like I thought, as it was curving in the wrong direction. I had pulled out a map, when a woman came up and asked if I needed help. I told her where I was going, and she pointed me in the right direction, and I finally got there.

My booklet not only gave me admission to the museum, but also paid for a show in the planetarium. After meandering for an hour I made my way to the planetarium. Very cool show, but some of the info was questionable. They presented this theory as to how the moon was created (which I had never heard before), in which this asteroid or some other enormous thing crashed into the earth when it was still forming, and all this magma and rock flew into space. Well the earth's gravity kept it in orbit, and after one week (that's right - they somehow know it was one week) the bits started forming together, and after one month we had the moon. Such bullshit. I mean, I suppose that could be the way it was formed, but they shouldn't have given a timeline. Aside from that though, the museum is really cool - I barely saw a third of it (and I didn't even really read any signs) - definitely worth checking out if you ever go to NY. (I might be a bit biased though - I've always loved science or science-type museums). Sadly after that I was completely exhausted, and made my way home and just chilled out. Laurie didn't get home til about 11, and we planned to go shopping the next day.

Yet again we slept in - til about 10 - and didn't get out of the house til about 12. We made our way over to SoHo to check out the shops. It was pretty crowded down there, but it was a nice day, so everyone was out and about. I had an strange old man tell me that I looked good in black and green. One place we stopped in was Girl Props. Laurie told me that for the longest time she thought it was an adult toy shop for women, but it actually just had cheap accessories. The rest of the shops were ho-hum, mainly shops that I couldn't get much in because I'm not Laurie's size. However we did go to MoCCA, the Museum of Comic and Cartoon Art. Not very large - about the size of one's apartment, but they had some cool exhibits, like the retrospective on Stan Lee, and another on Saturday morning cartoons. I think we finished that day by going to see Children of Men. Excellent film - very glad I went to see it.

The next day we went to shops that I wanted to see. First though, the Museum of Sex. I have to say this was one of the most fun things that we did on this trip. The first floor was the changing exhibit, which at the time was on kink and fetishism. Really interesting, though I have to confess I had seen a lot of it on Real Sex on HBO. Pony play, Cannibalism, Balloon Poppers, Plushies - the works. There was a chart that laid out all the underlying themes and the connections between different ones, and next to the ones females particularly favored, they had the little female symbol. The next floor up was a history of porn with, of course, video. It started with the beginnings of film up to modern day - even the celebrity movies. (Paris Hilton's? Boring!) Laurie told me later that at some point in time she realized that we were just watching porn in public with a bunch of strangers. The third floor had all sorts of toys throughout time, including the real dolls. They had the torso of one you could grope and prod, and I have to say it didn't really feel all that real to me. And the hairstyles you could choose from? All out of the 80's. They had some cool stuff in the gift shop - like shirts that said "She comes first", but I didn't get anything. I ended up blowing most of my money later that day at Lush (it's an addiction) and Lane Bryant (40% everything in the store - even clearance!)

Monday I was on my own again, so I went to the MoMA. It was fantastic, and like walking through an art history book - I recognized at least 1/2 the works in display. I wandered around that area a bit, went to Rockefeller Center, Radio City Music Hall, and St. Patrick's cathedral. I then decided to brave Chinatown. It's like a giant flea market, but with signs you can't read and people who speak another language. It's all cheap T-shirts and knock off handbags. After walking awhile, I found the restaurant my guidebook recommended, the Golden Unicorn. It was excellent - I had dim sum (dumplings for anyone not in the know), and I ended up trying about 6 dishes (hey- each only had about 3 pieces ea.), mainly because the women kept coming by with carts and I couldn't get them to go away. It was still early when I got done, so I trekked back up to Midtown to visit FAO Schwarz.(It was snowing pretty hard once I got off the subway). As I rounded the corner, I saw the famous Apple store Laurie had told me about. It's just his giant glass cube with a lit up Apple logo hanging in the middle - that's it, because the actual store is underground. The toy store was cool (no, I didn't dance on the giant piano), but I didn't have much time to look around.

Tuesday I slept in 'til about 10, then went to take Laurie out to lunch. Unfortunately, I got a little lost - as someone just told me to head west, and it was noon (and my compass was in my other pants), but she found me and we went to this kickass noodle place. Then we made a stop at Jacques Torres' chocolate store, and I made my way to the Metropolitan Museum of Art. I knew I didn't have time to see everything, so I just saw the Egyptian wing, arms and armory, musical instruments, and some of the medieval wing. I also planned to wait til dark, and then go to the Empire State Building, but the museum closed at about 5:15, and it was really cold and windy, so I didn't bother waiting around. Thankfully there wasn't a wait, and I was able to go right up. It was pretty amazing, but would've been a little pricey had I not bought the citypass. That night, Laurie and I drank a bottle and a half of wine between us and were pretty drunk. Yes, on a Tuesday night as well.

The next day was the taping of the Daily Show! First though, we met up with a friend from high school who happened to be visiting the same time I was. We went to Mariella's for a slice, as it had been on Oprah as having some of the best pizza in the country. I thought it was really good, but Laurie said she had better. Unfortunately, Veronita was a little late, so we only had about 20 minutes to talk before we had to leave to get in line. We waited for forever, but finally made it in. I thought that maybe they shot more footage and edited it before airing, but I guess with the time restraints they can't - everything you see on TV is what was filmed. (The exception being the link-up with Stephen Colbert - both he and Jon Stewart lost it and they had to refilm). Winton Marsalis was the guest, but it was really uncomfortable to watch - he wasn't as personable as most guests, though that might have been because he has a new cd out and the damn dj didn't play anything from it between bits. (I really wanted to hear it). After the main taping, they had to tape an intro to the global edition, and Jon Stewart asked if anyone had seen it . I think I was the only one to raise my hand and he asked me where I had been. (I was talking to Jon Stewart!!!) I told him Switzerland and he said "How did they feel about it? I'm guessing neutral." After everyone laughed he goes - "No really, what were you doing over there - skiing?". I told him that I had a friend who was teaching English and he said "Yeah, ok. *wink*" That was it, but still pretty damn cool. Laurie and I then went to Times Square - oh.my.god. It was so crowded and it was just other tourists. They go home thinking that's what NYC is like, but the truth it there were times I'd only pass a few people on some streets.

All in all it was a really great trip, and I'm glad I got to hang out with Laurie. Hopefully you actually made it all the way through to this point.

My 15 Second of Fame

2007-03-13T18:49:00.000-07:00

So I was at the reference desk tonight, and Nicole and I were looking up stuff on google. She says "Oh my friend and I have searched our names - just type Stephanie Tyson is in quotes and see what comes up". I did, and nothing. So I just typed in "Stephanie Tyson", not expecting much, and the first link was imdb. So we click it and are looking at the page, and I go "Oh my god! That's me!". She goes "nuh-uh". "Yeah - there's Glenn Shaheen too", and she says "Oh, well I guess it is you - I didn't believe you 'til I saw his name".

Here is the link to the page - crazy. I knew that Killian and Jodie were on there because they worked on some real films (ok low-budget, but they were feature length). So go to imdb and look up all our friends. (Or for those people who don't know my friends - Glenn Shaheen, Jeremy Farnell, Matt Killian, and Jodie Beckstine)

Oh - and I'm going to post about my trip to NY soon when I have more time - so probably Friday.

Let's Go A Round

2007-02-08T10:31:00.000-08:00

I kinda got into my first real fight with a patron yesterday.

This guy came in, and unfortunately I knew what he wanted before he even opened his mouth, however I let him ask. He came up and asked about two books we had for him, and then handed in a postcard. Well the postcard said that we would hold them until January 20th - now think about what yesterday's date was - Feb 7th. So I went back and pulled the ILL (interlibrary loan) slips he had filled out to get these books, and I told him that we sent them back on the 31st. He argued that he didn't even get the postcard until the 21st. OK - so I repeated that we didn't send the book back until the 31st. (And again, he was coming in on the 7th to ask about them)

He claimed he went to the Fort White branch on the 21st (Why? The books weren't there! The postcard has the name and address of the branch they're being held at), and we had already sent them back. I showed him the date on the slips and told him he was wrong. So then he started arguing that the date on the postcard was wrong. Um, no - we normally hold books for a week - which was the date on the card, but because it was an ILL we were nice and held it for 10 days longer than we should have. This went on for about 10 minutes, and his leaps in faulty logic were such that after one particularly confounding sentence I said "OK - wait, what?!"

Eventually Diane had to come out to break it up. She pulled me aside and said that she didn't come up because I had done anything wrong, it was just to get him to shut up and go away. I didn't think it was that big of a deal, until I went into the back and everyone was asking me about it - apparently we were making a lot of noise, and they thought I might reach across the counter and strangle him. Maybe next time. (And yes, I'm sure there will be a next time)

Furry Happy Monsters

2007-01-26T11:53:00.001-08:00

Who doesn't love REM and the Muppets?

Stranger Than A Gang Of Drunken Mimes

2007-01-26T11:33:00.000-08:00

I don't have anything particularly interesting to write about in my life right now, so I'm going to do a post about some of the things in the news lately.

First, the State of the Union Address. Here is a link in case you want to read it for yourselves. I was reading it, when this excerpt caught my eye:

Our success in this war is often measured by the things that did not happen.

What?! You can't do that! Does anyone else remember the episode of the Simpsons with the Bear Patrol? Homer and Lisa are standing on the lawn and Homer says that the bear patrol must be working because he didn't see any bears. Lisa chides him and says you can't measure success by what you don't see. She then picks up a rocks and says "I could say this is a magical rock that keeps tigers away". Homer says "Interesting how does it work?". Lisa, exasperated, says "It doesn't! But I don't see any tigers around, do you?" Homer goes "How much do you want for that rock?". It's the same thing here. Granted, he does go on to list things they've supposedly stopped, but that was through intelligence, not because we were killing anything that moved in the desert.

The other news bit was this. As if robot rights weren't enough to make you feel like we're living in a sci-fi novel, the US military unveils a heat-ray. Yes, a heat-ray, though their calling it an "Active Denial" something-or-another. It's mounted on a big truck, so I don't think we have to worry about it being portable anytime soon, but it's kinda scary. It uses microwaves to boil the water under your skin. There's a video on the BBC website as well, under the technology section, in case you're interested. Oh and this little tidbit. The US Military is also seeking scientists to manufacture synthetic black ice to be used in combat. Now this means nothing to people who have lived in FL all their lives, though I'm not one of them. It just seems like such a bizarre tactic, though I supposed if used in someplace like the Middle East, where they don't have it, it could be quite effective.

Meh. That's all I have right now. Be sure to check out my post on Blog Supergroup! This week's topic - guilty TV pleasures.

The 5 Habits of People Who Grieve Well

2007-01-03T07:44:00.000-08:00

This is an actually pamphlet at my church, but rather than read it (read? who does that anymore?), I've decided to make up my own.

1. Wear bright colors everyday - no more black (unless it's maybe an accent color). Thus when it comes time for you to grieve, the all black ensemble you're sure to be wearing will be much more noticeable, and people won't ask you such bothersome questions as "What's wrong?", "Are you OK?", and the like. **Note: If you are a goth, just reverse this rule - so as you wear black all the time, when you are grieving you should wear bright colors. Beware though, people might just think you had a lobotomy, rather than you are just grieving.**

2. Take time to imagine your family and/or friends dying everyday. Go through different, horrifying scenarios, so when that day comes one of two things will happen: 1. You'll be completely desensitized because you already imagined them being torn apart by sharks or 2. You'll actually be relieved because they didn't die in the horrible manner you imagined.

3. Attend as many funerals as possible. This is your time to practice grieving in front of other people. Get to know your audience. If you're with a group of WASPS, you're expected to emotionally reserved and either drunk, on Valium, or both. In other scenarios, you might be expected to tear your hair out and wail. If you're with goths, you should act jealous - it's not fair they got to die and you're stuck in this endless misery called life. If someone at the funeral questions your relationship to the deceased any of the following will do:

You met at an S&M conference
You are the lover/mistress/sex slave of the deceased
You "talked" on the Internet
You're his/her mail order bride/groom, and you just got to this country

Feel free to tweak those responses, but as they are, they are guaranteed to get a reaction.

4. Have your family and significant other start sleeping in coffins. This may be quite jarring the first few times you see them, but after awhile you'll become used to it, and may even become fond of it. This way, when you have a viewing before the funeral, you can pretend they're sleeping. **Notes of caution : The first few times you see them in the coffin, you're brain will automatically assume they're dead, but before you make the horrible mistake of burying them alive, try to wake them up first. Conversely, at the funeral, you may be so taken with the idea of them just being asleep, that you ask that they not be buried. In case of such an event prepare ahead by training someone to talk you out of it, or write a note reminding yourself that they have already been embalmed, and there's no way they're just sleeping.**

5. Start a shrine now. Waiting til after they're dead will only cause a headache. There are a couple ways to do this. You could set aside a closet with a table and start buying candles and religious iconography to decorate. Leave a space for a picture frame, and when the person dies you can just insert the photograph. (If you're already stalking this person, you should already have such a shrine erected, so this step can be ignored). The other type of shrine is one in which you keep their bedroom intact from before their death. To start now, (so you don't have to do needless cleaning when they're dead) be a total Nazi when it comes to the placement of things. If they don't put something exactly where it should go, verbally rip their head off. (Sure you're relationship might suffer, but you'll save time after their death). If you have to, take permanent marker and make outlines around everything, so there's no question about their placement.

If you start adopting all of these habits now, when it comes time for you to grieve, you'll have a lot easier time (and maybe a little fun).

More drama than a daytime soap opera

2006-12-14T09:16:00.000-08:00

That's been the past week for me - drama filled.

It started with last Friday with our cat going missing. We couldn't find him that evening, and I figured some neighbor had let him in because temps dropped into the 30s. The next day we still couldn't find him, and we started to get a little worried. I got home from lunch, and my sister burst into tears. There I am trying to pry info from her - "Is Hodge Podge dead?" No. "Is someone else dead?" No. She lost the cat. I didn't understand, so she explained that on Friday, she had been trying to leave, and he wouldn't get out from under the car. However rather than put him in the house (which would be the logical thing to do), she put him in the car and went to run the errands she had planned, one of which was having her oil changed. We think one of the people there (at WalMart) let him out while vacuuming the car or something, and didn't bother to tell her because she obviously didn't realize he was gone. She had called my dad, but he was unsympathetic and basically told her that's what she deserved for being totally irresponsible. So I calmed her down, and told her we'd call the animal shelter when they opened again. Well Sat. evening my mother went back to WalMart, and after about a half hour's search of the woods next to it she found him! My mother's calling it a Hanukkah miracle, but I don't think Hodge Podge would burn for 8 days if we set him on fire.

The next big stuff happened within the last 24 hrs. Last night I was in the middle of a police raid at the library! Margaret, the other person at the front desk with me, had gone out to get the book drop when these two guys came in with a little girl. They returned a book, and one picked up an interlibrary loan we had gotten for him. They then asked about books on the history of Virginia and tourist guides, so I sent them on to the reference desk to ask Zulima. While I was helping them, I had noticed someone outside just out of my field of vision at the desk who was yelling at the last couple of people to leave, telling them to get away. All of a sudden someone appears at the front door telling me to get out. WTF?! Then I saw his badge, and he told me to get out again, and I promptly complied. After I got out the door about 10 people swarm in with guns drawn, and about 2 minutes later they come out with the guys handcuffed - but without the little girl in sight. Finally a police officer came out with her and asked me if she was the same one with them earlier, and she was. They questioned the guys outside, and eventually let one of them go, because after I left he came back inside to get the book he had dropped when he was wrestled to the ground. The thing that gets me is that people were still coming into the library even though there were 7 cop cars surrounding it. One woman told me she thought it would look bad if she turned around and left.

About 10:30 I got a phone call from my brother - "So, dad told me you're picking me up tomorrow". Um, what? Let me back up and explain. My brother is in Ft. Lauderdale with his friend and his friend's girlfriend because she wanted to buy a monkey, and Nick decided to go along for the ride. Well she wrecked the car down there, and now they're waiting for it to get fixed, but my brother only brought a fixed amount of money, and now the g/f is wanting Nick to pay for the hotel room, even though that wasn't originally part of the deal. My dad told me all this when I called him a couple of days ago. We had talked about maybe me picking him up, but made no actual plans, so the phone call was a complete suprise to me. I told Nick I had to work, but I was off Fri, though I didn't have any money for gas. I told him he needed to call dad to sort this out. 15 minutes later he said Dad was going to wire him $20. Kellie didn't believe him however, and called Dad to verify. He had promised to send money, but apparently had already wired $300 before, which was now gone. 1 am I got another call from Nick asking me to pick him up Fri, and my dad was depositing money into my account for gas. In the middle of writing this my brother called to tell me the car was getting fixed today, and that they'll be leaving tomorrow, but I'm not holding my breath. I just hope he makes it home safely somehow.

Supergroup

2006-12-12T05:21:00.000-08:00

I've created this blog so I can be a part of a blogging supergroup - oh yes - a supergroup! Glenn, Nick, Jane (I think), myself, and three other people I may or may not know will be posting on a blog together. Each of us picks a day, and each week we will take turns picking a theme for that week. Sound pretty cool. Now, I suppose I didn't have to keep this blog I signed up for, but what the hell? I'd been thinking about starting another one other than myspace, and here's my chance.

In other news - we're still looking for a house. For those not in the know - my landlord called us the day before Thanksgiving to tell us she had sold our house, and we have until Dec. 31st to move. Well the 31st is coming up fast and we still haven't moved yet. We have the first, last, securuty deposit, but have yet to sign a lease.

My grandfather has offered to pay for movers, but my mother wants to go behind his back. She goes to a Messianic Jewish church, and apparently their light bill was ridiculous the last month - my mother's idea is to get a quote, give the money she would spend to the church and just ask a few guys from there to help us. I was standing in the room when she hatched this devious plan, and of course yelled at her. Mainly I did it because she always quotes "Honor thy father and mother" whenever I do something she doesn't want me to. So I quoted it back to her, and she got all huffy - so I pointed out that grandpa was just trying to save her from hurting her back, and that wouldn't work if she got people from her church because she would still help out. She said "Oh no, those guys won't let me do anything". However that would mean that Kellie and I still have to put ourselves through hell moving for the 20th time. (No joke - I'm 25 and have probably moved about 20 times in my life). Not fair! AND we could only do it on Sunday because Saturday is their holy day. Um, what about me? I go to church on SUNDAY. Hope fully she'll stop being stupid and will hire movers.